I will later explain the differences between the first three types of sick individual, but hope to ultimately show that when it comes to assessing these people, labels and descriptors/diagnoses are relatively unimportant. It's what they are capable of doing that matters.
Let's start with bastards, as they are, by far, the most common and least dangerous type of person. In fact, bastards (sometimes called arseholes, or 'assholes' for any American/Canadian readers) are extremely pleasant people compared to narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths.
While I have not had an intimate personal relationship with a narcissist (something for which I am eternally grateful), avoiding bastards altogether has proved an impossibility. That's because bastards are EVERYWHERE. Every single one of us knows several 'bastards', a lot of us will have worked with or for one, slept with one or even married one, and most of us will be 'friends' with the odd bastard or two. Bastards are generally OK people actually - in small doses, at least. We all have a bit of bastard in us. Bastards can be funny, charming, sincere and charismatic. Underneath, they are as vulnerable and frailly human as we all are, and just want to love and be loved, as we all do. They just need to work on a few issues. (But, again, don't we all?) A bastard might well fuck you up and break your heart, but will feel a little bit bad about it, and might even shed a few genuine tears of regret over their bastardness. The majority of them will just carry on being bastards though, unfortunately.
And then, I suppose, we have the "narseholes", the exceptionally shitty bastards with an extra dollop of abomination....
...While narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are a whole new league of awfulness. They will fuck you up, break your heart, brutalise your spirit, turn your entire life to shit and then smirk at the sight of your shuddering, sobbing, desolate carcass before sashaying off to their next victim, or their next 'game'. Every time they see that their actions have resulted in the pain of someone else, they experience a frisson of delight. They will swell with self-satisfaction. These people have something PROFOUNDLY wrong with them, and although there are subtle differences between how their individual sicknesses are manifested, and the techniques they use, the advisory warning is the same for all: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Run a million miles in the opposite direction and never look back.
As I have got older, my 'bullshit radar' has improved immeasurably. I no longer tolerate manipulation of any kind, at any time, from anyone, for any reason. But believe me, for far too long, I allowed myself to be a doormat - I accepted all kinds of shitty behaviour, and in the case of my mother (just because she was my mother), I just kept going back for more. Over and over and over again. I simply didn't believe I deserved any better. I never questioned it.
As you can imagine, this mindset didn't bode well for all the other relationships I had in my life, but in fact I was incredibly fortunate because I had three amazing, loving long-term boyfriends during my teens and twenties (the last of whom ended up becoming my husband). These guys saved my life. Where my mother made me feel ugly, unloveable, pointless and worthless, they showed me that the opposite is true. But things could have been very different. When you have it drummed into you that nobody will ever want you, you project a forlorn desperation that the most unscrupulous, heartless users tend to zone in on. And so the cycle continues. The abuse you receive at home from the people who are supposed to care for you typically sets you up for a lifetime of abject misery.
This is why I believe the worst narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are SOUL MURDERERS. Make no mistake, murdering someone's soul is no less abhorrent than murdering their physical body. It just takes much, much longer. The process itself is EVIL beyond belief. It defies description. They literally feed on the pain of others, because it acts like a temporary balm; it distracts from the pain inside themselves. Your pain makes them feel good, makes them feel like they can achieve something, even if that 'something' is wholly despicable. So they will keep on doing it, over and over again... They truly are utterly, utterly mad in the purest, most appalling sense of the word.
Most people who grew up under the iron fist of a narcissistic parent have had their identities and spirits crushed by the experience, and their concept of what 'love' means becomes skewed beyond recognition. Thus they almost inevitably end up becoming entangled with disordered people during their adult lives. (Perhaps the most masochistic part of us thinks we can somehow 'fix' these freaks? Being empathic people, as survivors of narcissistic abuse so often are, surely we are put on this earth to conquer hate with love, banish misunderstanding and rage with compassion, patience and empathy... Except, sadly, life doesn't work like that in reality...)
 |
| The dark triad is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad |
It is crucial that these poisonous, inhumane people are recognised for what they are - soul murderers - so they can be avoided by the rest of us. Sadly, this is not always possible. Why? Because they are all so good at lying, pretending, faking, and garnering support for their delusions - and that applies to ALL of them, no matter what end of the 'psycho/bastard' spectrum they are on, from the everyday callous, self-centred arsehole, through to the scary-as-hell pathological liar and, right over at the farthest end of the continuum, the amoral pathological monster whose very existence depends upon inflicting pain and misery on others.
We have already looked at what makes somebody a narcissist and seen that narcissism exists on a scale of gradations, "from healthy narcissism to malignant narcissism, with a lot of grey in between". (See the article The Legacy of a Narcissistic Parent and also What is Narcissism? on Dr Karyl McBride's website.) The traits of a person with NPD go way beyond vanity and self-absorption.
The very detailed 'Order of Truth' blog post "Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists: Similarities and Differences, and Why they are Dangerous" states that these disordered people are, collectively, "a group of humans who are missing those core values that the rest of us experience, and it is they who are responsible for the major problems in the world we see today". The article goes on to say: "Both narcissism and psychopathy are very closely related in their diagnostic criteria because they are variations of the same group of behavioural disorders. The primary difference between a psychopath and a narcissist is that a psychopath does not care about, or need, other people or their opinions to support the psychopath's distorted view of themselves and the world around them, whereas narcissists do." (my emphasis)
Also, it is widely believed that a psychopath's brain is wired differently, in other words it's in their neurobiology, with a well-documented genetic link. This does seem rather fatalistic and simplistic; after all, it's difficult to readily accept that a child is born a psychopath, and will always be a psychopath, no matter what (and no matter how well they are nurtured and socialised into adulthood). However, there is compelling evidence that sometimes, even taking into account the "strengths and limits of parenting", some children appear to be disturbingly maladjusted, callous, violent and unemotional, in other words, dangerous, to the extent that they are unable to modify their behaviour appropriately, form friendships or establish any functional and meaningful connections with the world or with other people. Adults - teachers, parents, health professionals - prove powerless to guide them constructively. Early signs of psychopathy were evident in the case of notorious American serial killer Ted Bundy, for example, despite a relatively content and stable family life.
The article Psychopaths, Children and Evil examines the interplay of 'nature and nurture' (i.e. genes and environment), and it's worth remembering that only a small percentage of psychopaths will be motivated to kill (likewise very few murderers are assessed to be psychopaths).
Sociopaths and narcissists are generally believed to "become" that way, although there is controversy over exactly how and why. Further confusion over the distinction between narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths arises when 'psychopathy' and 'sociopathy' are conflated (indeed some psychologists, and certainly most of the general public, believe they are interchangeable, and psychopathy is most strongly correlated with DSM-IV antisocial personality disorder). A basic rule is that ALL psychopaths and sociopaths are narcissists, but only the most malignant narcissists are likely to score above 30 on The Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), a simple variation of which can be found at http://vistriai.com/psychopathtest/. (My score was 4, in case you're interested).
The article Psychopaths, Children and Evil examines the interplay of 'nature and nurture' (i.e. genes and environment), and it's worth remembering that only a small percentage of psychopaths will be motivated to kill (likewise very few murderers are assessed to be psychopaths).
Sociopaths and narcissists are generally believed to "become" that way, although there is controversy over exactly how and why. Further confusion over the distinction between narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths arises when 'psychopathy' and 'sociopathy' are conflated (indeed some psychologists, and certainly most of the general public, believe they are interchangeable, and psychopathy is most strongly correlated with DSM-IV antisocial personality disorder). A basic rule is that ALL psychopaths and sociopaths are narcissists, but only the most malignant narcissists are likely to score above 30 on The Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), a simple variation of which can be found at http://vistriai.com/psychopathtest/. (My score was 4, in case you're interested).
Resources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy_Checklist#The_two_factors
The campaign to advance psychopathy awareness: https://www.gofundme.com/psychopath
No comments:
Post a Comment