What is emotional abuse?

There is a kind of abuse that is only just starting to be widely recognised and discussed; no less abhorrent than physical or sexual abuse (and often coexists with one or both), and so insidiously secretive, intimate and subtle that the person being abused might be completely unaware of it until long after the damage is done. By which time, of course, it’s too late. Certainly anyone “outside looking in” will usually be unaware of anything untoward going on within the family unit, which may even seem harmonious, happy and functional. Thus, the outsider (typically a ‘friend of the family’, who the abuser is very careful to keep ‘on side’) will be reluctant to believe the victim of abuse once they finally find the courage to speak out. 

Of course, there is no such thing as an entirely ‘functional’ family or partnership, but when ‘dysfunctional’ tips over into toxic and abusive, there will be casualties, and sometimes, tragically, fatalities. The abuse might begin seeping into a relationship in imperceptible increments, as a daily drip-feed effect. It doesn’t take long for parties trapped inside this cycle of inflicting and suffering abuse (basically, a domestic power struggle) to become accustomed to a mutually destructive way of relating to each other. (Yes, destructive even for the abuser.) The relationship is about power, fear and control, which are of course the polar opposites of love, acceptance and trust. Eventually, the abuser may not even have to say or do anything to instil fear in his or her victim: a certain look/glare, gesture, tone of voice or expression might be enough. Such things are, of course, utterly deniable. That is what I mean by the abuse being ‘intimate’. Nobody else is privy to the dark machinations of the abuser - it is a macabre dance for two.

Such ‘stealth’ abuse always causes devastating long-term consequences for the victim. (The very worst emotional abuse is nearly always inflicted from parent to child or between partners, although there are exceptions). Emotional abuse is sometimes thought of as "death by a thousand cuts"; it tortuously slices away at the victim's mental and psychological well-being over a period of months, years, sometimes decades. Most abusers are careful to 'balance' their abuse with occasional (and frighteningly convincing) periods of kindness and gentleness, and displays of affection, 'reeling' their victim back in time after time. The victims' relief and renewed optimism (maybe I've got it wrong, maybe they DO love me, maybe this relationship is fantastic after all...) will inevitably be short-lived. This brutal volatility, allowing the victim false hope after coming within a hair's breadth of annihilating them, is one of the cruelest aspects of the narcissist's modus operandi.  

All child abuse, of any kind, is incomprehensible to most people. Emotional and psychological abuse of one’s own children, including neglect, rank among the worst evils of the world. A child looks to his or her parents or guardians for affirmation, support, comfort and validation; the parent is their primary role model and caregiver, and the person who is expected to instinctively nurture their spirit and self-esteem, shape their understanding of the world, and mould their characters. The role of a parent is of fundamental importance. The love a parent has for their child is universally assumed to be unconditional and without limit, and while there is no such thing as a ‘perfect parent’, it's only natural to assume that all parents want nothing more than for their kids to be healthy and happy.

The world is unfortunately full of damaged, profoundly sick and unhappy adults mercilessly projecting their complex problems onto their children and/or partners, in ways most of us could not even begin to fathom. 

'Out of the Fog' is an excellent resource for understanding personality disorders and abusive relationships, and examples of emotional abuse is essential reading.

Also do have a look at Andrew Vachss' outstanding 1994 article "You Carry the Cure in your Own Heart"....
 (excerpt)
Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized ... Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

From the website 'Social Juggernaut' (see resources): "Most often, the roots of anger and aggression lie within the baggage accumulated during the childhood years.  Abused children may grow up to become passive aggressive adults. The question is, how can one unpack that baggage and learn to handle life’s curve balls without having a full-fledged meltdown? 

The one thing we all must understand is that in children, the ability to reason and make rational decisions in the face of anger is controlled by the prefrontal cortex. This is the region of the brain located just behind the forehead.  In teens, as research suggests, the frontal lobes of the brain are not fully developed until about age 25... adolescents are notorious for acting before thinking.  A teen who is a victim of emotional abuse is a prime candidate for such behavior.

Abused children may develop a sense of learned helplessness, a psychological condition in which a person or animal has been exposed to a harmful stimulus for so long with no relief, that eventually the victim stops trying to escape. He believes that there is nothing he can do to make his situation better. Left untreated, this can follow children into their  adult lives.  As a result, the self esteem of abused person is usually low. Knowing no other way of life, victims of childhood abuse continue to find themselves involved in unhealthy marriages, friendships, and employer/employee relationships.  They may even grow up to abuse others in ways that mirror their own experiences."

Resources: 

I Survived a Narc: Death by a Thousand Cuts: https://survivednarc.wordpress.com/2015/12/03/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/

Examples of Emotional Abuse: http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse

Emotional Deprivation seen as devastating form of child abuse - NY Times article
"...the most seriously damaged children... are not just those who are physically abused or neglected. Rather, they include the children who have been psychologically neglected, the victims of mothers who are emotionally unresponsive to their children's needs. Such mothers tend to ignore their children when the youngsters are uncomfortable, hurt or unhappy and fail to share in the children's pleasures. The children, in turn, quickly learn not to look to their mothers for comfort and support."

http://socialjugg.com/2013/01/27/emotional-abuse-identifying-the-signs-breaking-the-cycle/