The terrible legacy of toxic parenting

I started researching material for this blog back in 2009. As I add more, I will inevitably make various edits to older posts - but this will be with a view to enhancing the quality of the writing (I am a perfectionist when it comes to the written word), rather than cutting out or downplaying any negative emotions. This is because experiencing and expressing negative emotions - rage, blame, bitterness and resentment, for example - is an inevitable part of the healing process.

I have always had an avid interest in psychology and how the relationships we all have throughout our lives impact on us - not just mentally and emotionally but also physically and spiritually. It is my belief that the relationship/s we have as an infant and teenager with our parent/s or primary caregiver/s sets the benchmark for all our personal relationships and connections in adulthood - platonic, professional and romantic/sexual, and, most importantly for those of us who become parents, the relationship/s we have with our own child/ren.

While "good parenting" is not in and of itself a panacea or 'magic bullet' that will solve all the world's various manifold problems by helping to ensure all children grow up to be compassionate, well-rounded, sound-minded, autonomous, healthy and resilient adult citizens (indeed there is little consensus on what "good parenting" actually means), it's undoubtedly a good foundation from which to start. I address what makes a 'good parent' and a 'bad parent' (specifically a 'good mother' and a 'bad mother') in my post What is good parenting?

Sadly, millions of children are abused every day, usually by someone very close to them - not just physical violence or sexual abuse but mental, psychological, verbal and emotional abuse, and neglect – some or all of which often occur concurrently with either sexual or physical abuse, or both.

Not only do these abused children become too 'conditioned (or 'desensitized'), traumatised, terrified or confused to speak out (even assuming there is anyone they feel comfortable enough to confide in), but they end up 'normalizing' the abuse, thus exonerating their abusers and excusing their behaviours, day after day, year after year. The 'blame' for the abuse inevitably ends up burdening the child, rather than the perpetrator, with a crippling sense of shame and guilt. This, in turn, gives the abuser 'carte blanche' to continue their methods of systematically destroying the child, with impunity. The child knows no different, and so a neglectful mother who insults and demeans her child when she's not too busy ignoring him is not perceived as being an abuser, she's just "mum"; likewise an alcoholic father, as another example, whose unpredictable drunken rages render his child permanently terrified is also not perceived as an abuser, he's just "dad". 

Abuse is not necessarily signposted by a black eye, a hand-shaped bruise or even by a cowering demeanour: the damage often occurs on the inside, while outside appearances can be deceptively "normal", even cheerful. The scars are invisible and all too often they never heal. Sometimes they are never even acknowledged, and it is my belief that such profound "buried" psychological and emotional damage is a major reason for the rise of disorders such as anxiety and depression. Over-medicalising the outward symptoms of these conditions ignores - and worsens - the underlying root cause.

In 2015, I made the all-important (and arguably long overdue) decision to go 'No Contact' with my Narcissistic Mother (NM). This blog is the result of the hundreds of pages of notes I have written in my recovery journey, which actually started long before I made that heartbreaking ' No Contact' decision (in retrospect, it was merely a formality). It is full of personal thoughts and theories, emotions and feelings (not all of them positive, as mentioned above) and practical resources, which I hope will prove useful to anyone else going through the intensely painful but ultimately enriching process of disentangling themselves from a toxic relationship, whether with a parent, a sibling or other close relation, or a partner/ex-partner or friend.