How do I know my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Even though I have studied psychology (with a particular interest in developmental psychology and psychopathology) since I was a teenager, until the ‘epiphany’ of my 30s, I always assumed the term ‘narcissistic’ was applied to arrogant egoists. I didn’t know that there was an actual recognised personality disorder.

Of course, I've known for many years - basically as long as I can remember - that my mother "isn't quite right" and is certainly far from "normal". But each of us is raised with different parameters within which to assess something (or someone) as "right" or "normal". My mother actually seemed to derive great delight in describing and portraying herself as "unconventional" and "eccentric" (..."Who wants to be normal? Normal is so boring," she would regularly assert, with the rigorously self-righteous chutzpah of the mentally unhinged). She believed, and still does, that this manufactured "unconventionality" that she presented to the world is delightful and endearing; it helps her to "weed out the narrow-minded" (i.e. the people who see through her lies) and so to ensure her trusted circle consists only of enraptured, credulous "kindred spirits". Suffice to say, I was never going to be counted among these kindred spirits. I'm not narrow-minded, and I'm certainly not feeble-minded, but even when I was at my most desperate to ingratiate myself into my mother's "trusted circle", I could never be her "friend" because I KNEW WHAT LURKED BENEATH THE MASK. And I knew that thing was not just "unconventional", it was monstrous, it was as far removed from her sickening 'devoted mother' persona as it is possible to be. And, crucially, she knew that I knew.

In the early 1970s, before I was even a glint in my father's eye, both my parents dabbled in The Kabbalah and, more disturbingly, in The Occult. Both of them were 'into' the paranormal, although my mother has slightly restrained her rampantly 'alternative' proclivities in her dotage and is now merely a self-proclaimed 'psychic' and 'interfaith minister'. (I suggest she claims to talk to the dead because she has absolutely no meaningful connection with the living.) In fact I do not doubt my parents 'dabbled' in many things during their twenties and thirties, both separately and as a couple, some of them decidedly unsavoury or plain freakish. As my old man used to say, it's probably best to "draw a veil" over these things, and to not even speculate. It's neither my business nor my concern, and doesn't interest me in the slightest. We all have histories.

My mother regularly goes to church, and has done since I was very small; specifically, her local Methodist, as her friends there are more "open-minded" than most devout Christians. Oh, how my mother despises closed minds! Or minds that dare question anything. I know, it's ironic, isn't it? - she claims to hate closed minds and yet her mind has been sealed shut by pathological denial and delusion, by her own blinkered, mental 'self-fulfilling prophecy'; and the ghoulish entities locked therein are either absolutely ridiculous or absolutely horrific. Incidentally, she has always claimed to abhor liars and hypocrites as well. Narcissists clearly don't do irony.

While he was working away in Moscow in 2009 on a particularly tricky assignment, my husband encountered a brittle and frosty colleague who made it uncomfortably clear that she had nothing but contempt for him. She didn’t even attempt to pretend to respect his knowledge and experience, and was instead dismissive and brusque, often in front of other co-workers. This was not just workplace xenophobia; as my husband explained to me during one telephone conversation: “This woman is a narcissist. And by the way, I think your mum is, too.”

I agreed with him, thinking it was merely a fitting reference to my mother's wearisome propensity to ‘act out’ in company and to belittle or undermine me (and certain others) in order to elevate herself, but he insisted: “Read up about it. She's got Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

And so I did. The first link I visited over the next tumultuous weeks of Google searches rendered me speechless. I sobbed for hours. I read it over and over again. I sobbed some more. The link (below) lists "24 Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers” and every one, EVERY SINGLE ONE, could be about my own mother. Finally, after 33 years of living in my mother’s oppressive shadow, I was on the path to uncovering some Truths. (‘Truth’ and‘Reality’ are anathema to the narcissist, and he or she goes to great pains to avoid them, as I have discovered to my great cost.)

24 Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

So, there is no doubt in my mind, NONE WHATSOEVER, that my mother has full-blown NPD. It certainly isn't her only problem (I believe she has undiagnosed borderline schizophrenia and/or bipolar, too - and many, many unresolved grief issues, mainly around the life and death of her schizophrenic first daughter, my older half-sister), but NPD is the main one. Finding out about NPD has certainly helped explain so much of what has happened in the past, but in reality, it's just been the beginning of what has proved to be the toughest journey of my life.

The thing is, it wasn't as if I could call her up and say "Hey mum, I think you have this thing called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so maybe we can go to counselling together and sort out our relationship...?" The very essence of NPD is that there is ALWAYS someone else to blame. It is underpinned by a total abdication of responsibility, which renders acceptance and resolution an impossibility. So it can rarely (if ever) be diagnosed in the 'official' way, i.e. by going to a therapist or psychiatrist and asking "what's wrong with me?", because in their mind, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THEM. They will look to anyone and everyone else before looking to themselves for an answer.

Believe me, I am not the type to 'write off' anyone, and definitely not my own mother - I typically see the good in all people. At least I try to. But I finally realised that the stark choice I had been struggling with since my teenage years was to either accept a shitty, toxic relationship based on jealousy, suspicion, spite and lies (all the while tacitly agreeing that I was solely responsible for the toxicity), or to cut my losses and start a new, healthier life well away from that shit.

At the end of the day, it's a no-brainer.

See my post about the 'Cluster B' personality disorders, of which NPD is one of four as recognised by DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Also take a look at this short informative video about NPD: The Psychology of Narcissism