Responses and rebuttals to the Flying Monkeys

Now we have a good idea about what Enablers and flying monkeys are, and what their purpose is (i.e. to be manipulated and exploited by the narcissist, just like EVERYONE ELSE, and to help the narcissist annihilate their victim/s).

So let's pour ourselves a stiff drink and have a look at some of the claims and counter-claims I have received over the years from these people - all of whom, I have no doubt, mean well and believe they are 'helping' (at least helping my narcissistic mother, if not me):

1. "She's your mother. Of course she loves you. Very much."

It's such an easy assumption to make, isn't it? What kind of mother doesn't love her child? Let me tell you: a narcissistic, batshit crazy mother doesn't love her child. Maybe she cannot. Who knows, and frankly who cares, the end result is the same: an unloved and therefore deeply damaged child.

Besides, how do you KNOW that my mother loves me? Do you REALLY know it? For a fact? No. You do not. Of course you don't. You have no right to even assume it. So trust me on this: SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME. I know this, in my heart and soul I KNOW IT. Because I do not and cannot believe that the woman who has spent most of my life terrorising me and crushing my soul and chipping away at my sense of self-worth, at my very identity, could possibly have even a teeny tiny particle of even the most frail, fragile 'love' for me. Love is not just how you feel; it is what you DO, it is HOW YOU MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. And I do not believe it. I do not believe it because I do not FEEL it. I have NEVER felt it.

Understand this: narcissists have hardened, impenetrable hearts of black ice. They are, I grant you, very good at replicating, faking and pretending. But that's not real love they're professing and expressing. It's nothing like love. Nothing like the kind of love I want to have in MY life, anyway.


2. "You must respect your mother."

This is kinda biblical, isn't it? "Honour thy father and mother" is, if I recall correctly, one of the 10 Commandments of the Old Testament, alongside such classics as "thou shalt not covet" and "thou shalt not worship any other God but me". Piety is one of my mother's specialist stances, she's incredibly good at it, although she broke every single one of the 10 Commandments herself, several hundred times over (except, oddly, this very same one about honouring thy mother: her own mum was wonderful, warm, kind and nurturing, which does make me wonder how the HELL my mother turned out the way she did; so full of hatred and self-sabotage. Oh, and to my knowledge she hasn't actually, literally killed anyone. Yet.)

But seriously though, do you have the faintest idea what you're talking about? I cannot be expected to readily respect someone who has not only abused me for decades but actually gets a sick kick out of doing so. Someone who has always believed that my feelings and my memories don't matter - that they're wrong, inaccurate, invalid, absurd, crazy. Would YOU respect that? No, you wouldn't, PARTICULARLY not from your mother, your father, your sibling, your partner or anyone else who is SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU.

So don't expect me to. I respect MYSELF first.

See my blog post: Don't defy your mother, deify her

3. "You only get one mother and she won't be around forever."

Yes, we all only get just the one mother. Many of you have been lucky enough to get a mother who loves, respects and validates you - even if you might not actually 'get on' as mates. And no, my mother will not be around forever. Neither will I. Or any of us. But it is NOT up to me to apologise for the abuse inflicted on me by that woman. I am no longer prepared to 'make the first move' (although I have tried to instigate reconciliation in the past, far too many times, only to be cruelly rebuffed or ignored). And it's painfully clear that she won't, either. EVER. I will die in the knowledge that my mother not only never loved me, but that she didn't even 'like' me enough to offer an apology - that smallest but most crucial of first-step gestures. 

Do NOT try to guilt-trip me for HER failures as a parent and a human being. I've been on enough guilt trips in my life already to earn me air miles for a return flight to Jupiter. 

4. "You mustn't hold a grudge. You cannot change the past."

I agree with this. Nothing is gained from "holding a grudge", just as nothing can be done to change what's happened. But finally finding the courage, after so many years of being belittled, silenced and sidelined by my own mother, the one person who is supposed to love me instinctively and unconditionally, to finally SPEAK UP about the neglect and abuse she made me endure: this is not "holding a grudge". On the contrary, it is refusing to allow those bad feelings and traumatic memories to fester any longer. It is setting myself free from all the blame that had been unfairly placed on me, weighing me down and wearing me out for as long as I can remember.

5. "You must try to forgive your mother, whatever she's done."

The theme of forgiveness is (or will be) discussed at length in other sections of this blog. It goes without saying that there is absolutely NO obligation for me to forgive my mother. NONE. It would be an extremely difficult thing for me to do, even if she did actually acknowledge and apologise for what she's done. Which she won't. She will deny it all to her dying breath, casting me as the villain and the liar because the truth, for her, is too painful to face.

And nobody else gets to tell me how I 'should' feel, and what I 'should' do. I do believe I will eventually forgive my mother - but for my own sake, not hers. As for "whatever she's done", the extent of my mother's abuses against me is such that anyone who has a normal, loving mother could not possibly understand. I do not blame you for not being able to understand. Even I don't understand it, and I have in fact resigned myself to never understanding it. Just do not expect me to forgive the unforgivable without first healing myself and transforming my wholly justifiable anger and hurt into something more constructive and bearable.


6. "I can't believe what you're saying about your mother. She's such a sweet, kind, warm and compassionate lady. She's always been so good to me."

Firstly: it's a mask. It's just a mask. Nothing about her is real or authentic. Nothing.
Nobody knows who she is, least of all herself.

Secondly: it is easy for her to be "good" (or to "appear good") to people who she relies on for narcissistic supply (hey, that used to be my job! A narcissist's children are rich fodder for supply and validation, for obediently mirroring and pandering to their mother's presumed awesomeness, at least while they're little and needy. I so wanted her to love me, and she damn well knew it, and took full advantage of that - she didn't even need to make the effort to be 'good' to me).

Without you, her dear friends and enablers, she would wither and die, because you reflect back to her the image she wants to see, the one she goes to great pains to replicate. It must be exhausting for her, this charade, because inside, she is a broken and irredeemably sorrowful woman. She is so entrenched in denial, she has basically been drowning for 30 years. She's the sickest and loneliest person I have ever known, and my heart breaks for her because it really didn't have to be like this.

Finally: I don't give a shit if you don't believe me. That's the liberating thing about finally speaking the truth at last. The truth doesn't care who believes in it.


7. "You're lying/exaggerating. You're bitter. You're insane."

See above. No. I'm not lying, or exaggerating. I wish I was. But I'm not. In fact, I am understating what she put me through, because I've blocked so much of it out.

And no, not really - not any more. But so what if I am? Wouldn't you be?

And no. I should be, but I'm not. She did her best to make me lose my mind, but she's failed.

8. "It doesn't matter what she's done. I know her and she's just not capable of doing any of the things you say she's done. It's not in her nature."

Well, yes, it DOES matter what she's done. It matters to me very, very much, and to all the other people who have been victims of her heinous lies, violence and various undiagnosed mental illnesses (more on that later). Those 'victims' include you, her enablers, by the way, because she has FOOLED YOU ALL into believing she cannot POSSIBLY be an ice-cold, deceptive, monstrous abuser. Her 'nature' is something I cannot possibly explain to you. You have no clue, not a bloody clue, what is (or isn't) "in her nature". It's dark and terrifying territory, and one I do not want to explore until I'm feeling brave enough. And I am not sure I'll ever be brave enough.

9. "Your mum did her best."

This is one of my favourites. It makes me laugh; albeit in a bitter, humourless way. I have heard this line, in all of its countless variations ("she did what she could at the time", "she means well", "she only ever wanted the best for you", etc) from all of my mother's enablers over the years.

Can I just dismiss this for what it is: BULLSHIT.

She did her worst, her absolute fucking WORST, and her worst was every bit as cruel, dark and mendacious as you could imagine.

Or maybe you can't imagine. Maybe THAT'S the problem.

10. "If you think having 'No Contact' with your mother is the only thing for you to do, that's up to you. But I think it's harsh/unnecessary/unreasonable/unfair on your children (who need a grandmother)."

Yes, I've heard this too. Unbelievable, isn't it? It could almost be scripted; almost as if my mother has prepped her enablers to guilt-trip me into doing her bidding, using carefully selected words and phrases. Let me tell you what's "harsh", "unnecessary", "unreasonable" and "unfair": bringing your children up in an oppressive, soul-sapping climate of fear, shame and uncertainty; vacillating unpredictably between ignoring them, insulting them, hitting them and (occasionally) showing scant, fleeting glimpses of what could reasonably be construed as maternal affection, just to confuse the little shites. All the while portraying to the "outside world" the image of the ultimate Martyr Mother, a woman who sacrificed so much for her children. 

My kids would indeed benefit from having a grandmother in their life. I will not deny that. But if I had to choose between them having a vindictive, borderline psychopathic grandmother who plays mind games and doesn't even like kids, or having NO GRANDMOTHER AT ALL, guess what? My babies don't need that kind of toxicity in their lives, thanks. Neither do I.

11. "Nobody's perfect... I'm sure you were far from 'the perfect daughter' anyway!"

Ah yes. Pardon the abuser and blame the abused. Nice. 

I never, ever asked for 'perfection', or anything like it, from my mother. I just wanted her to love me. I just wanted a mum. Yes, of COURSE I considered the possibility that the reason she didn't, COULDN'T love me was simply because I'm inherently unloveable. Hell, I AGONISED over that possibility for YEARS. And let's assume, for a second, that I really was a terrible daughter. Say I misbehaved constantly, got expelled/arrested, took drugs and slept around and threatened my mother with a knife and told her God-fearing friends to fuck off, and trashed her house and got drunk all the time and stole money from her and dropped out of school with no qualifications. I never did ANY of those things, but let's just assume I did (and who could blame me if I did anyway?). However imperfect I was, am, or could have been, I WAS (am) HER DAUGHTER. Whatever mistakes I could have made, or did make, I WAS (am) HER DAUGHTER.

Nothing I ever did was good enough. My mother barely acknowledged my existence most of the time. When she did, it was usually to reaffirm that my existence was, at best, an inconvenience to her. 

12. "Maybe it's just a personality clash. It will blow over."

Yes, She's a Total Fucking Psycho, a Fake, a Fraud and a child abuser. I'm an ordinary, decent, empathic and genuine human being with a soul, a heart and a conscience. There's your 'clash'.

So no, it will NOT 'blow over'.

"If a person tells you that your personality simply does not mix with an abusive person’s, understand what they are really doing is revealing their own covertly abusive nature. They have — willingly or unknowingly — already been recruited as a Flying Monkey."

13. "You always seemed so happy as a child. Why didn't you say anything before?"

This line could only ever come from someone who has absolutely NO experience of child abuse. As a child, what could I say? "Excuse me, I live in permanent, debilitating, quaking fear of my maladjusted, schizoid mother and literally have no idea when she might next beat me up or put me down"?

I didn't even know that what I was experiencing was abuse until long after I'd left home. Even then, I had so 'normalised' it in my mind that I just thought it was a case of 'moving on' and trying to forget. After my parents divorced, my world fell apart (my childhood was actually pretty happy up until then). It was the divorce that transmogrified my mother from 'slightly disengaged, but adequate' mum into a furious, vengeful, hateful, bile-spewing creature I barely recognised. But that was only behind closed doors, and even then, not all the time. Abused children very quickly learn to normalise their abuse, as I mentioned in my first post, The terrible legacy of toxic parenting. This is especially the case with clever and manipulative parents, like my mother, who could switch effortlessly from one persona (hard-working, struggling but devoted mummy) to the next (a human volcano, whose poisonous larva burned everyone it touched). And abuse can only thrive in silence. One thing I would like to achieve with this blog is raising awareness of the many different kinds of child abuse, and the disastrous, far-reaching repercussions of that abuse. A child looks up to his or her parents and assumes they know best, that they want what is best for their child; that everything they do comes from a place called Love. That is why so many traumatised children grow into scarred adults who associate love with violence, capriciousness, deception and fear. This is why so many traumatised children go on to perpetuate the abuse as adults, and the cycle continues, on and on.

14. "There's two sides to every story."

Indeed there is. Here's an abridged version of mine, just in case you missed it or chose to ignore it: My mother abused me for 30 years, with impunity - as a child, a teenager and also as an adult, and would still be abusing me now (in her various dark, secretive, subtle ways) if I hadn't made the decision to go "No Contact" and moved to the other side of the world to escape her virulent shadow.

Here's my mother's side: You're lying. That never happened. You're crazy. What the hell are you talking about?

Only one of us is telling the truth.


15. "You clearly have a lot of anger, and I do not doubt the validity of your anger, but is it really fair or right that you take it all out on your mother?"

I saved the best for last. Yes, a Flying Monkey really DID say this to me.

A scenario for you: Imagine that you are minding your business, strolling down the street, with your handbag, or brand new mobile phone, or some other possession that you value. A mugger grabs you from behind, assaults you and steals your valued possession, then sprints off with it into the night, leaving you winded, tearful and shell-shocked. Who do you blame?

(a) Yourself?
(b) The passers-by who failed to intervene or assist you?
(c) The mugger?


References:

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2015/12/10/stop-listening-to-generic-self-help-advice-if-you-are-being-abused/