Flying monkeys. Because the narcissist is nothing without her enablers

Every narcissist has a platoon of enablers. Enabling is “removing the natural consequences [to the narcissist] of his or her behavior.” Indeed, "there'd be no such thing as narcissistic abuse if it weren't for the enablers." These people, who invariably KNOW about the abuse (or at least are aware of the accusations of abuse) make the decision to remain neutral or, worse, 'side' with the abuser, either through willful ignorance (or assuming the victim is lying) or, less commonly, through sheer malice.

Enablers thus fall into one of two categories:

1. Abuse apologists/trusted and trusting allies of the narcissist, who are usually unwitting or resolutely blind in their collusion with the abuser, because they do not witness their true colours (the narcissist is vigilant in never letting the mask slip in front of these precious people). Nor are they willing to face the possibility that he/she is not AT ALL what he/she claims to be. To them, the victim who dares to speak out about the abuse is the 'bad one' (probably lying, possibly mad). This is why otherwise good people have no qualms about communicating with me as one would with a petulant, difficult child, as outlined below in my 'abuse by proxy' examples. My naked, beseeching honesty and painful revelations are countered with their incredulity, regurgitated lies or dismissive put-downs.

2. Borderline/disordered people who admire the abuser's tactics and pathologies and/or live in awe/fear of him/her. These 'Flying Monkeys' are entirely aware of and complicit in the abuse, and could end up being just as dangerous as the abuser they are defending/supporting.

There is a third category, of course: the victims and targets of the narcissist enable the narcissist by keeping silent, accepting and endorsing the abusive behaviour, normalising the abnormal and consistently deferring to the narcissist. I was one of my mother's primary targets and enablers, along with my sister and my dad, for three decades.

Strictly speaking, ALL flying monkeys are enablers, but not all enablers are necessarily flying monkeys (the targets/victims aren't, of course). Simply allowing the abuse or dismissing a victim's story, or 'turning a blind eye' is reprehensible, but ultimately pretty 'low level' enabling behaviour. It is when the narcissist's allies partake in behaviour which helps to isolate, intimidate or invalidate the victim (even if this is carried out with 'the best of intentions') that passive enabling becomes active 'abuse by proxy' (see below).

Urban dictionary definition of Flying Monkey

Every narcissist relies on their flying monkeys in order to prop up their delusion (which would otherwise come crashing down like the house of cards it is), disseminate their lies as Gospel Truth, and uphold and mirror (and never, EVER question) their precious public image. Another function of Flying Monkeys is to carry out 'abuse by proxy'.

Allow me to give you an example. One of my mother's primary enablers is a genuinely lovely, kind, intelligent woman who is about my age and has (naturally) only ever witnessed the fake persona my mother wants the world to believe in - that of a sweet, eccentric, spiritual, devoted mother who has sacrificed EVERYTHING for her bloody ungrateful, fucked-up children. I wrote this particular Flying Monkey - let's call her Susan - one  of my famous letters. I put my heart and soul into writing this letter. I tried to explain how the woman Susan thinks she knows is so very, very different to the monster unleashed behind closed doors. I told her about how, as children and teenagers, my sister and I lived in fear of the woman who professed to love and cherish us (except she has never actually told me that she loves me - it's always been transmitted via a third party. Go figure).

And I told her about how the abuse can be so subtle, so intimate and imperceptible to the outsider, that my mother has the ice-cold power to 'put us in our place', even in full view of other people, just with a look, a throwaway remark, a gesture or a tone of voice.

Susan's response was: "She just isn't a very maternal person."

Yes, that's right. She's not very maternal. Of course! Why didn't that occur to me? Could we possibly minimise three suffocating, insufferable decades of emotional, psychological, verbal, physical and mental abuse any more than by attributing it to a basic lack of maternal instinct!? 

She's your mother, won't you show some respect, you insolent ingrate! 

The thing is, I can't blame these people. They all have (or once had) normal mothers. Mothers who love them. They do not know or understand, nor can I possibly expect them to know or to understand. An unloving mother is an unimaginable thing.

Another of my mother's Flying Monkeys, again a truly beautiful soul (just tragically duped like the rest of them), responded to my cri de cœur with the following nuggets of wisdom:

"Nobody's perfect"
and
"She loves you very much"

Yes, really. So my mother can invalidate me without even having to communicate directly with me, ever again - all thanks to those trusty Flying Monkeys who cannot bear to think of their precious 'friend', someone they have known so well and for so long, as a merciless, deluded, psychotic child abuser.

I'll leave the last word to Kathy at the 'What Makes Narcissists Tick' blog, who sums it up perfectly: 
"By making excuses for them, narcissist sympathisers leave narcissists no incentive to change. In other words, narcissist sympathisers enable narcissists. They actually serve as a temptation to narcissists.

By making it seem evil for the victim to FEEL anything or to do anything but bend over for the abuse, narcissist sympathisers re-victimize the victim, help the narcissist succeed with his or her travesty, and create the perfect world for the wicked to prosper."

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com.au/2008/01/guilt-of-narcissist-sympathizers.html

See Responses and Rebuttals to the Flying Monkeys

and Are YOU being used as a Flying Monkey?