The first point the writer makes is that gaslighting does not always have to be deliberate, or at least "does not require deliberate plotting". This really made me sit up and take notice. What? So the person manipulating you doesn't actually consciously realise they are doing it? Well, it's possible I guess. Could there really be such a thing as an "accidental gaslighter" though? I'm struggling to come up with a scenario that doesn't involve a modicum of malice of forethought. I do have to agree with the writer's assertion, however, that "we learn how to control and manipulate each other very naturally". All of us are guilty of manipulating others - it might just be a case of occasionally being seductive, secretive, evasive or using a position of strength to gain an advantage (of whatever sort) over another person. Few of us, however, are guilty of being unconscionable sadists and ruthlessly exploiting the people around us by sneaking inside their heads to cause disruption and mayhem.
It is perhaps important to clarify what gaslighting isn't: it's not simply having a difference of opinion. For example, if you are at an art gallery with your partner, and you stop in front of a particular painting and find yourself dumbstruck at its beauty, while your partner glances at it and moves on, describing it as "ugly" or "dull", that's not gaslighting. It probably doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship, and it COULD be an indication that your partner is an arsehole, but it's definitely not gaslighting. Differences of opinion are good. Whatever our opinion on anything, there will be someone out there - probably very many people - who strenuously disagree with it. Gaslighting has nothing to do with arguing with someone over the benefits of veganism, or women's rights, or whether or not Kanye West has any discernible talent. BUT - whoever gaslights you sure as hell doesn't RESPECT your opinion.
Gaslighting isn't really about opinions and everyday disagreements; it's about being put in a position whereby you constantly question your perceptions, cognitions, feelings and memories; those major components of what we collectively call 'sanity', and most of us have the luxury of taking for granted. If you had a night out with a friend, and were relating it back to someone else and you both recalled a lady you had met "wearing a purple dress", except your friend recalled her as wearing a red dress, only one of you is right (or possibly neither of you!) Perhaps one of you is colour blind, or one of you was drunker than the other, or simply not paying attention - or some other innocent explanation. It doesn't really matter, because in this scenario it is extremely unlikely that one of you is 'messing with the head' of the other.
Sometimes, our memories can indeed be mistaken or inaccurate, or simply distorted or blurred by time (just like it's so often impossible to remember the details of even the most vivid of dreams). It's when they are reliably dismissed or rebuked by someone that alarm bells should be ringing. If a person forcefully undermines us once, it's a discourtesy. Twice, and it might be best to avoid that person if possible. Three times - you have a toxic pattern of behaviour.
My mother undermined me constantly; usually in small, casual ways, sometimes in jaw-droppingly callous ways. It simply became incorporated within the precarious structure of our relationship, so on the days when she was actually "nice" (and she really could be nice, sometimes), I felt so shocked and absurdly grateful it actually made my cognitive dissonance even worse.
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| Or "she" |
I have a tendency to over-analyse everything, to pick things apart and examine each and every intricate detail. I have wasted hours of my life reviewing the minutiae of my mother's many and varied manipulations, wondering if maybe I can find a reasonable or innocent explanation; wondering if the fault does indeed lie with me, that I am, as accused, "over-sensitive" or "remembering wrong". And do you know what, it actually doesn't matter. If a friend or close relative tells you that something you did or said hurt them, what do you think they expect from you? How do you feel? Firstly, you'd probably say sorry. And the apology would be genuine and heartfelt. They're your friend, the last thing you want is to make them feel upset. Even if it was never your intention to cause hurt (and most normal people never intend to hurt others), you would feel bad that you had done so, however much you might struggle to see HOW or WHY your friend might be feeling that way.
Nobody has the right to tell you how you 'should' (or shouldn't) feel, or how you 'should' (or shouldn't) perceive or react to things. NOBODY.
I wholeheartedly agree with the writer that "gaslighting is happening culturally and interpersonally on an unprecedented scale, and that this is the result of a societal framework where we pretend everyone is equal while trying simultaneously to preserve inequality."
Mass brainwashing is - in my opinion - the main, or possibly the sole, purpose of mainstream media... But that's a topic for another post (or hundred).
The writer also mentions group manipulation situations (think cults and particularly toxic workplace politics), and the traits that might make us more susceptible to being a victim of gaslighting. While I am not sure I agree with everything she writes (parts of it read a little confused, but that's hardly surprising given the topic), I absolutely concur with her assertion that: "No one should use shame or fear to try to get you to change. When they do this, they're not asking for change - they're asking for control."
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| No, let's not. |
See also: Gaslighting Effects and Warning Signs
And: Techniques of Gaslighting, including withholding, blocking/diverting, trivializing and forgetting/denial.
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