The difference between self-love and narcissism

It's easy to assume that narcissism is a grotesquely obese, out-of-control, unchecked and unhealthy corruption of self-love. In fact, narcissism is the exact negation of self-love - they are polar opposites. Self-love is underpinned by self-confidence; narcissism by self-preservation. It's a very important distinction to identify.

Self-love begins with healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem entails valuing oneself as equal to others. (Not better, not worse.) It's about feeling confident and comfortable in one's own skin. It's about security, and not relying on anyone else to bolster that sense of security.

So, self-love should flow naturally from this healthy foundation. Except if we're being abused by someone who claims to 'love' us, we are told explicitly or implicitly (usually both) that we have no value, we have no reason to feel confident about who we are, and we have nothing to feel secure about. Thus, our opportunities for self-love are crushed before they can even begin to emerge. (This is why many psychologists and researchers believe that narcissism is sometimes caused by being the target of narcissistic abuse - it's seen by some researchers as a psychological defence mechanism, i.e. the narcissism is a False Mask of grandiosity, conceit and entitlement obscuring the wounded true self in order to avoid the pain of reality. I explore this more in my blog posts What Lies Behind NPD? and The ACoN doesn't fall far from the tree.)

From the Psychology Today article Self-Esteem versus Narcissism: "Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy. So where do these attitudes come from? And why do we form them?"

And, crucially: "Narcissism encourages envy and hostile rivalries, where self-esteem supports compassion and cooperation. Narcissism favors dominance, where self-esteem acknowledges equality. Narcissism involves arrogance, where self-esteem reflects humility. Narcissism is affronted by criticism, where self-esteem is enhanced by feedback. Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand above them. Self-esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of value in a world of meaning."

So, while it would appear that the narcissist is the centre of their own warped universe, a more accurate description would be that the narcissist is constantly projecting their own self-loathing. And when it comes to self-loathing, the narcissist has a limitless supply. Truly, it's limitless. Rather than introspection, such a crucial gift for anyone with a healthy sense of self but a process both unimaginable and impossible for the narcissist, they choose to blame others for their inadequacies, faults and mistakes. 


Resources:

http://lonerwolf.com/low-self-esteem/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201206/self-esteem-versus-narcissism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dark-side-work/201409/healthy-self-esteem-versus-healthy-narcissism

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com.au/2008/12/absence-of-introspection.html 


Further reading: NPD information sources