I have previously used the word 'victim', and will probably continue to use it (sparingly) throughout this blog, although it is not a word I like personally, because it has connotations of passivity and helplessness... even though at my lowest points I was, I suppose, both passive and helpless. Blogger Akhila Kolisetty's article, "Why Words Matter: Victim v. Survivor", asserts that: "The word ‘victim’ robs individuals of their agency and their ability to fight back. ‘Survivor’ displays the individual’s resistance, ability to take action in the face of immense obstacles, and... implies ingenuity, resourcefulness, and inner strength."
However, I am not keen on the word 'survivor' either - to me it sounds incongruously triumphalist. The truth is, when we are abused by someone we love and trust, we don't usually have the stark choices: 'live' or 'die' (although sadly, suicide or murder is not uncommon in the more severe cases of domestic abuse - see, for example, the tragic case of Reeva Steenkamp, shot and killed by Oscar Pistorius in February 2013... and psychological murder is a very real phenomenon).
For most victims/survivors however, no matter how resilient we are, we settle for something in between: we put up with it. Often for far, far too long. (As to that age-old question WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH IT? - that will be addressed in a later post.) We do not 'survive' as such, and we do not 'die', although we might have episodes where we really, really want to die... Instead, we merely exist, and barely so; a shadow of our true selves. In the long-term, our options for 'surviving' narcissistic abuse are limited. We can either live in denial of it, to the detriment of our mental health, or we can self-destruct with drugs, addictions or damaging learned behaviour (these two options frequently tend to go together, so in fact do not represent 'survival' at all).
OR: we can RECOVER and HEAL.
The last option is only possible if we do all of the following:
1. Recognise that we have been abused
2. Accept that it isn't our fault
3. Distance ourselves from our abuser (preferably No Contact), in the knowledge that they will not change
4. Practice self-love. This is the part that will take the rest of our lives, and we can only make a start on it when we have completed 1, 2 and 3.
Resources:
http://akhilak.com/blog/2012/03/13/why-words-matter-victim-v-survivor/
Why Oscar Pistorius is a narcissist: http://www.commdiginews.com/sports/the-pistorius-diagnosis-experts-got-it-wrong-20767/
http://www.lifeinsighttherapy.co.uk/2014/04/oscar-pistorius-narcissist/
Covert Psychological Murder: Death As A Result Of Insidious Mental & Emotional Abuse: http://hubpages.com/education/Psychological-Murder
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/11/06/learning-to-love-yourself-after-an-abusive-relationship/
http://self-love-u.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/unraveling-12-steps-to-healing-from.html
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