The writer of this article disagrees with the view that narcissists suffer from low self-esteem, and asserts that narcissistic rage actually "occurs when [their] core instability [their need/ability to feel and sustain feeling superior to everyone else] is threatened."
I actually think this all ultimately boils down to the same thing: a narcissist will do anything - literally anything, including beating the shit out of their own child - to vent their bottomless, formidable rage and distract themselves from the terrible, pitiless void within their souls. Narcissistic rage usually (although not always) follows from narcissistic injury. As you can imagine, pretty much anything can make a narcissist feel 'injured'. You might disagree with them on something, offer them a well-meaning nugget of constructive criticism, or you might simply catch them in a lie (they tell lots of lies). You could even make a perfectly reasonable request of them (I once asked my mother to please leave me alone for five minutes, after she had burst into my bedroom without knocking while I was trying to rest. She went UTTERLY BALLISTIC, and subjected me to a prolonged physical attack, screaming at me the whole time. This was Christmas day 1994).
So the rage will often be seemingly completely unprovoked and come from nowhere. My mother used to habitually lose her keys, and would stampede like a demented menopausal bull around the house in a fit of almost comically histrionic ire, screeching "WHERE ARE MY KEYS??? WHERE ARE MY KEEEEEEYYYYYYS?" If my sister and I failed to "get off our arses" to help her look for her goddamn fucking keys, her rage amplified by a factor of a hundred. It really was a sight to behold; both pathetic and terrifying. She was not much taller than five feet nothing, yet she had more rage inside her than a thousand bloodthirsty warriors. Without fail, within 10 minutes, she would find her keys (or one of her bemused/desperately placating daughters would), and she'd just harumph "oh, there they are", and instantly revert back to her characteristic 'simmering' state. It was like turning the gas dial down on the hob by a few notches. Of course, the temptation was always there to just say to her: "Calm the fuck down, you'll bust a blood vessel, woman". HOW I WISH I'd said that to her, instead of kowtowing to her insane whims and absurd, childish tantrums, time after time. Those words, coming from me, the daughter for whom she harboured so much unbridled contempt and resentment, would have made her implode. Literally, I think she would have self-destructed - the fizzing, impotent fury might have just stopped her heart there and then.
But she knew I'd never do or say anything incendiary, particularly not while The Narcissist was Mid-Rage - it would be like chucking petrol on a fire already blazing out of control.
The rage was ALWAYS there in the background of her demeanour, threatening to froth, spew, spit and sputter to boiling point, but most of the time, she just remained on 'simmer', ominously bubbling away until the next inconsequential thing cranked the gas to max. The narcissist's power, such as it is - i.e. their ability to tyrannise and intimidate their victims so effectively - is due to the UNPREDICTABILITY and SEETHING INTENSITY of these rages.
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| Hint: you won't be waiting long |
The rages don't always mean someone has to get punched, slapped or hit (or shot, stabbed, bludgeoned or strangled in the worst cases). My mother was adept at high-octane verbal abuse, door-slamming, foot-stamping and glass-shattering banshee screaming, and her ability to 'create an oppressive atmosphere' was really quite remarkable... And after she'd expended all that energy on being so pointlessly, inexplicably, disproportionately angry, she did the 'Silent Treatment' like a boss. Obviously, I rarely (if ever) knew what I'd done to warrant such punishment. I just assumed I did, somehow, deserve it. Why else would she behave the way she did? I must have been deficient or just exceptionally annoying. She made me wish I could disappear; at the same time, she also made me feel invisible. But that's the reality of living with a narcissistic mother - there is a constant squirming sickness in the pit of the stomach, a weighty and unrelenting sense of guilt and contrition (with no confirmed source or explanation), and a pervasive and palpable feeling of suffocating dread, which permeates and plagues your every nerve cell.
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With the narcissist YOU are responsible for how YOU feel (if they hurt you, it's YOUR fault for being 'hurtable' or 'too sensitive'), but you are also responsible for how THEY feel, because it's easier for them to blame than to introspect. |
Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201202/rage-coming-soon-narcissist-near-you
http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/narcissistic-injury.html
http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/how-to-cause-narcissistic-injury.html
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/what-causes-narcissistic-rage/
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