What lies behind NPD?

Are narcissists damaged/wounded, are they sick, disturbed or mentally ill (i.e. is their brain abnormal, unusual, deficient, damaged or 'misfiring' in some way, as is the case for confirmed psychopaths), or are they just 'bad'? (And if they are just 'bad', where does the 'badness' come from? Is anyone 'born bad'?) 

I looked at the question of 'evil' in a previous post, but I think it's important to try to get a handle on understanding the mechanisms behind what might make one person a narcissist, but not another. If everyone who experienced pain and suffering in their life went on to develop NPD, the world would be teeming with narcissists - a dauntingly dystopian prospect indeed.

James Fallon is an American neuroscientist who describes himself as a 'pro-social psychopath' after discovering that he has the neurological and genetic correlates of psychopathy. Brain scans of psychopaths indicate differences in neural activity and connectivity, and in key regions: the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain associated with feelings of empathy and guilt) and the amygdalae (the part of the limbic system that regulates feelings of fear, aggression and anxiety). Note: The amygdalae are essential to an individual's ability to feel certain emotions and to perceive them in other people. 

Clearly, it is a disorder that only manifests itself in certain individuals and, I think, only under certain and quite specific circumstances. Narcissism, like most mental health disorders, does not have one definitive root cause, and it is generally accepted that many factors can lead to the onset of NPD. Often it will be a complex combination of various and varying factors, which means that making decisive conclusions about the origins of NPD (and therefore its diagnosis and prognosis) is nigh-on impossible. It is a multi-faceted condition that typically appears in people with no desire for introspection (or ability to introspect), and is therefore notoriously difficult to identify, isolate, tackle and explain. 

But does NPD always derive from a wounded, broken place (whether that's a 'wounded past' or a 'broken brain')? Is it a flawed 'coping mechanism', a dramatic (and irreversible?) reaction to extreme stressors and/or a dysfunctional and damaging upbringing, or is it faulty brain wiring? Or all of the above, in varying proportions? Nobody knows for sure, but there does seem to be a correlation between trauma and the onset (or worsening) of certain undesirable personality traits or preexisting disorders.

I maintain that narcissists are made - nobody is born a narcissist, as the characteristics go against so much of what it means to be essentially human. There is probably some sort of 'predisposal' (genetic component), as there is for certain other illnesses and disorders, both physical and mental - including depression, schizophrenia, cancer and diabetes - which typically requires a 'trigger', or series of triggers (or lifestyle choices), before the illness becomes apparent.

In his 2010 book Understanding Personality Disorders: An Introduction, Duane Dobbert writes that NPD's "etiology may lie in a combination of inheritable traits, behavioural modeling, and parenting. It is difficult, if not impossible, to identify a specific set of variables that precipitate the development of the disorder." There is compelling evidence that individuals are significantly more likely to develop narcissism if their parent has (or had) it, or if they were over-indulged/excessively praised or, conversely, abused/neglected by one or both parents. (Again, we are coming back to the importance of good parenting and healthy and secure attachment bonds.)

It is believed that up to three quarters of narcissists are male (certainly most psychopaths are male), and "utilizing the heritable traits and gender research, those males whose first-degree biological relatives, most likely their fathers, have been diagnosed with NPD, have a higher probability of developing the same disorder." But will we ever know to what extent it is hereditary, and to what extent it is a case of 'modeling' (or learned) behaviour? (The age-old nature/nurture debate.)

Looking at what causes narcissism is crucial in seeking to understand how it might feasibly be addressed, treated and cured (if at all). Addressing, treating and (hopefully, ultimately) 'curing' an illness or disorder first requires the person affected with that illness or disorder to recognise and accept that they HAVE an illness or disorder. With NPD, that very first step represents a massive and invariably insurmountable obstacle. Nobody can be cured or treated if they strenuously deny needing to be cured or treated. I have met numerous people, including psychiatrists and therapists, who are adamant that, even if the underlying cause/s of NPD can be identified in an individual case, the chances of a person with genuine NPD presenting as a 'patient' (i.e. someone who needs psychological intervention; someone who admits to being maladaptive and therefore 'imperfect') are slim to non-existent.

And this raises another important question: NPD is, by definition, a disordered (grandiose, deluded, callous, detached, deceitful, interpersonally compromised) personality. How realistic is it to expect anyone to change a fundamental aspect of their personality? And NPD is not just one singular personality flaw, of course - it is a whole host of damaging ways of relating to the world and to others.

According to Joanna Ashmun's 'halcyon' site (see 'further reading', below) , "The preferred theory seems to be that narcissism is caused by very early affective deprivation*, yet the clinical material tends to describe narcissists as unwilling rather than unable, thus treating narcissistic behaviors as volitional -- that is, narcissism is termed a personality disorder, but it tends to be discussed as a character disorder. This distinction is important to prognosis and treatment possibilities. If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned." 

(* Affective deprivation is an interesting concept, linked to Emotional Deprivation Disorder, which can arise as the result of a lack of unconditional love in early life.)

Occasionally, psychopathy (or any of its indicators) can be precipitated by a brain injury or head trauma, for example a road traffic accident, or through drug abuse (although this presents a 'chicken or egg' dilemma: does an individual become personality-disordered because of drug abuse, or do they abuse drugs because of their personality disorder?) 

The website PsychCentral sums up the contributing factors behind NPD very well (see final link under 'Further reading'): "Researchers today don’t know what causes narcissistic personality disorder. There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of narcissistic personality disorder. Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation — that is, the causes of are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual’s personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible — rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important. If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be “passed down” to their children." (my emphasis)


Further reading:

How I discovered I have the brain of a psychopath

http://www.vice.com/read/dr-james-fallon-makes-being-a-psychopath-look-like-fun-110

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html 

http://baarsinstitute.com/emotional-deprivation-disorder/

The Telegraph (28th March 2016): Mental Illness mostly caused by life events and not genetics?
I have included this article because although it is not agreed that NPD, strictly speaking, constitutes a 'mental illness' in the same way that addictions, schizophrenia and depression are considered mental illnesses, it is nevertheless a severe 'disorder of the mind' manifested in profoundly deviant character, thoughts and deeds. The dispute over its status as a 'mental illness' is due to the narcissist's apparent volition and their seemingly deliberate ability to 'change masks' and modify behaviour depending on circumstance and company.

Brain abnormalities found in narcissists: A study found that people with NPD have unusual cerebral cortex thinness in the region responsible for empathy (compared to people unaffected by NPD)

See my next blog post, which further explores the 'nature/nurture' debate, The ACoN doesn't fall far from the tree?

What causes narcissism? http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/


Video: James Fallon's Ted Talk - Exploring the mind of a killer

Flying monkeys revisited: unquestioning gatekeepers for the long-term sick

When I undertook an eclectic range of (mostly administrative) temping work in my early twenties, one assignment that stands out in my memory is being a PA for someone who didn't exist. This was in the Information Systems section at the Head Office of a well-known British department store. (As a point of interest, this was just before I temped in the Customer Relations section at the same London head office, working directly under one of the most vicious and vile narcissists I have ever met, even including my mother.)

Anyway, when I say "PA for someone who didn't exist", of course that's slight hyperbole. He DID exist, but I never met him or even got to talk to him, and he had already been off work for some time when I first sat my butt cheeks on the swivel chair outside his vacant office. He was one of three directors (the other two of which were very much evident, and made the most of my £10.75/hour rate), and after I'd been in this slightly surreal role for a few days, I gleaned the reason for his elusiveness - he was, quite simply, on "long term indeterminate sick leave". I was left to make my own mind up about what exactly "sick" meant, and I was certainly not allowed to tell ANYONE who called that he was on long term indeterminate sick leave. Instead, I was told to dutifully inform every caller that he was "in a meeting".

I asked no questions, as it wasn't my place to question - I just did the job I was told to do (so long as it involved the basic and somewhat extensive gamut of 'administrative duties'), and gratefully took the cash at the end of each week to throw into the black hole of my student debt.

In essence, I was a gatekeeper for someone who had certain personal (and/or health) issues, and quite rightly did not want anyone in his professional sphere to find out about those issues. So obediently I parroted back to every caller "I'm sorry, he's in a meeting, may I take a message or perhaps redirect your call?"

One caller claimed to be his wife, another his sister, another a "good friend", but regardless of who they said they were, my response remained consistent. He's in a meeting. Yes, another one. Yes, he has a lot of meetings. I'm sorry, I can't say when he'll be available, all I can do is take a message... Yes, I have his diary right here in front of me and there do appear to be a few available slots where he actually doesn't have a meeting, but I'm sorry, I just can't guarantee... Have I seen him today? Well no, to be honest I haven't but he IS a very busy man, as I'm sure you understand....

I realised recently that flying monkeys - the nice kind, not the consciously collusive kind - are a bit like me in that ridiculous "PA to nobody" role. The person I was working for was, I assumed (because I could ONLY assume), a decent, professional human being who was just going through a bit of a hard time, which was none of anybody else's fucking business. It was my part of my somewhat fluid job description to field or fob off any intrusive enquiries, to maintain the illusion of 'business as normal'.

This is EXACTLY what flying monkeys do. For whatever reason (in my case it was because my role required it), they do not question why, they just do. Many would say that they defend the narcissist because, to them, the narcissist is NOT a narcissist, they are a human being worth defending. To the flying monkey, s/he has only ever shown kindness, or simply appeared completely benign. Fair enough. 

If someone who claimed to be an erstwhile friend or associate of my non-existent (or at least 'elsewhere') boss had approached me and said "Hey, temp girl, guess what. That piece of shit you're working for cheated on his wife while she was dying of cancer, abused and abandoned his children and takes part in Satanic rituals," I would have responded by mechanically saying "I'm sorry, he's in a meeting. Would you like me to take a message?" 

Yes, even if that 'someone' was a close friend or relation of my non-existent, elsewhere boss, or Satan himself, this would have been my response.

Why? Because I'm spineless? No, because in the absence of HARD EVIDENCE, I always assume the best (or at least never the worst) of people.

This is why I can never hate or even resent my mother's flying monkeys. I actually feel sorry for them. They are only acting in the way their heart is telling them to. My mother has never given them any reason to doubt her. Why would she? Their blinkered, admirable loyalty is 'paid for' in fake friendship, one based on misleading them, on obscuring, lying, pretending and denying. And that's no kind of friendship. They are simply duped spokespeople in my mother's oblivious, vociferous PR team.

A message for my sister, also estranged

Do you remember the 1980s, when we were buddies, when we loved each other?

Do you remember when we were a family, when our parents loved us, and each other? Was it an illusion? I don't even know. Maybe it was just an illusion, but it definitely did feel real to me. Did it feel real to you, too?

Do you remember playing make-believe games together with a crappy raggedy beanbag doll, wearing tights on our heads? We played together for hours and hours. We didn't need computers or gadgets, or even the television. We made up nonsensical songs and poetry. We had our own private phrases and our own silly language. We listened to rubbish songs on cassette tape, and built makeshift dens out of sun loungers and blankets. We did stupid kid stuff that sisters do. We were a team. We loved each other so much. I was sometimes a bit of a shit, like big sisters can be, but I'd have laid down my life for you.

Family Sundays at the Polish Club with Cokes and crisps for you and me, and beers or Guinness with roll-ups for the grown-ups, who seemed to have a good marriage, and who seemed to love their kids. A perfectly functional family. So it seemed. We had a lovely, affectionate black and white cat called Lucy who slept under the covers with us (and even mother loved her). Matching dresses on Christmas Day. Regular holidays in Plymouth, which would soon become even more regular, and less sweet.

Lucy the cat got killed by a car, and then a short time later, grandad died. Mother was devastated, of course - she was a daddy's girl, just like you and me were. I remember watching our dear old gran sobbing her heart out while reading through the pile of sympathy cards, just a short time before they were due to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. I thought to myself: I hope I never love someone like she loved him, because the pain of losing that person must be too much to bear.

And then something else died, and it was even worse.

Do you remember the night we heard our mother crying and we crept downstairs in the dark to investigate? Do you remember dad looking ashen, trying to comfort her? Dad said: "Go back to bed, girls. Please just go back to bed." I remember his face, his voice. Neither of them needed to say a word to us to let us know what was going on. They'd had arguments before, plenty of them, but this was different. Do you remember that we both cried too, because we KNEW it was something bad, something really, really bad this time? You were still just a baby, you had barely started school. It was 1985. I don't recall the month; maybe early autumn.

Everything unravelled from here. The illusion of happiness, of functionality, was ripped apart at the seams.

Do you remember how you felt the day dad left? Do you remember crying inconsolably every time that ad came on television (I think it was a British Gas ad), with the song "You are the sunshine of my life"? Do you remember that you were so shell-shocked, desolate and heartbroken, because you thought dad was lonely and that we might lose him forever?

You were still just a baby but you perceived more than I did. Maybe I just blocked it out. Maybe that's why I've managed to escape with a few precious scraps of dignity and sanity.

Do you remember our mother telling us that dad was a liar, a gambler, a traitor and a terrible husband and father? That he had let the family down, betrayed us all? She told us, her shattered and completely innocent children, that our dad was suicidal, that he had contemplated throwing himself on the train tracks. What. The. Fuck. Our mental health has never been of any consequence to her, has it? Do you remember she once convinced one of her friends to sit us down for a 'little chat', to persuade us to "try to be good girls for your mum", to try to understand what our poor mother was going through? 

Do you remember that nobody, not once, not ever, asked us how WE FELT?

Do you remember The Fear? Do you remember feeling relieved/glad whenever I was the one who ended up on the receiving end of our mother's unpredictable rages? (Don't be embarrassed to admit it; I felt relieved whenever it was you....

...Apart from when you were really little and she hit you and screamed at you for wetting the bed. I didn't feel glad or relieved then. I felt sick.)

"Why don't you just go and live with your father?" Mother would say to us, regularly, even when we were still reeling from the aftermath of the divorce. "He's the one who wanted kids. Go on, get out of my sight."

And do you remember staying with dad some weekends after the divorce and feeling so much more ALIVE than when we lived at 'home' with mother? Even though the poor man must have been at rock-bottom during the late 1980s and early 1990s (and beyond), because he was being battered and battered and battered, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, relentlessly, by the same woman who was battering us. DO YOU REMEMBER? At a time when all of us were vulnerable, terrified, traumatised; when all we needed was support, kindness, understanding, patience, LOVE... what did we get? WHAT DID WE GET?

You almost died when you were six and got that horrendous rare disease that I will not even attempt to spell because I can't even pronounce it. Two years after that, I got diagnosed with diabetes, and that's the last time I remember our mother offering me any kind of motherly support. It was the last time I looked in her eyes and saw concern, and a glimpse of something that might even pass for love. Because soon after that, I became a teenager, and so wasn't really a child any more. I became much harder to manipulate. I was an autonomous human being on the cusp of becoming an adult, and I had needs, opinions, desires and perceptions all of my own, and mother HATED that.

She HATED lots of things. More than anything, she hated being a single mother, she hated being 'poor' and she hated not being the centre of dad's universe any more (although she guilt-tripped and slagged him off him daily, with relish). She hated and resented us for being alive and therefore enforcing that ignominious half-life of single motherhood on her (she didn't ask for this! She didn't deserve it!), and she HATED our dad for what he did, and she made sure you and I felt the full force of that burning hatred every single day. We bore the brunt of the blame for EVERYTHING, and she used us to attack and hurt dad. 

My puberty and burgeoning adolescence coincided with her menopause, and the concurrency of those two events was catastrophic. Every day living in that house with that woman killed me just a little bit more. Before I turned 16, I was just about suicidal. Only my best friend and boyfriend noticed the change in me, and I probably owe them both my life. Mother called me a slut (and increased the frequency and severity of her other abuses) when I fell pregnant, and she literally could not contain her glee when I miscarried in the summer of 1992. I have never in my life needed the love and support of a caring, compassionate mother more than I did at that time. But her hatred for me simply intensified. So I didn't want to go on living any more. I despised my life; I despised myself. That woman we were forced to live with, the woman who made us feel guilty for merely existing, abused us so regularly that we became trained to feel grateful and grovelling on the vanishingly rare occasions she actually behaved like a mother should. (Which she did, carefully and cunningly, whenever we were 'in respectable company'.) 

So while our spirits and bodies were being pummelled furiously behind closed doors, the rest of the world thought she was coping admirably. What a strong, courageous woman! 

Except she's not. She's an abomination. The fucking lies, distortions and denials we had to put up with, as her daughters... It was even more brutal than the beatings.

Our paternal grandmother died in 1994, and dad was no longer just lonely, he was also absolutely alone. Nobody could even have guessed it at the time, but even then, his psychopathic brother, our sub-human 'uncle', was undoubtedly scheming about how he and his sordid, repulsive wife might maximise their financial benefits when our dad eventually died of alcoholism. They knew, much more than we did, that his addiction was bound to kill him long before he would have the chance to watch his grandchildren grow up. It's impossible for me to find the words to express how much I hate them. While our mother murdered and desecrated our dad's soul while he was physically alive, those two contemptible fucks shat all over his memory once he'd died. All three of them are the worst examples of evil I have ever encountered; each uniquely twisted and malevolent in their own stinking, remorseless way.  

Our half-sister died in 1997. The tragedy of her death was almost eclipsed by the incessant terror and fragility of her life - rejected by society, brutalised by drugs and immoral people, deprived of her babies, and neglected, shunned, dismissed from birth by the one person who was supposed to prioritise and protect her above everything. Is it any fucking wonder she went 'mad'? 

Ten years later, just a few months after he retired, our dad died. It was a terrible shock, but the only real surprise was that he held on for as long as he did. Right in front of you, he gave up and keeled over.

Then gran died a couple of years after that. Our mother mourned the loss of her much-loved, devoted mum, and you and I mourned the loss of a truly warm, wonderful and loving grandmother... While both of us wondered HOW THE FUCK such a devoted, warm, wonderful, loving (if slightly formidable and old-fashioned) woman had managed to produce the sick, broken and psychotic child abuser and rotten-to-the-core hypocrite that was our own mother.

Then, in 2010, two days before your 30th birthday, your husband died of an aggressive brain tumour. An unimaginably cruel illness robbed you of your soulmate, and again, right in front of your eyes.

Throughout all of this, just as it was throughout your childhood, you have been conditioned to believe you are worthless by the same person who made me feel worthless, who made our half-sister feel worthless, who made our dad feel worthless. Your feelings don't matter. You're an irrelevance; you're insignificant. You're invisible, or at least it would be better if you were invisible, because you're so hideous, and such a mistake, an aberration, an embarrassment. That's how I felt, too, for almost thirty years, until I finally realised that the problem wasn't me. It was never me. It was never you. It was never dad, and it was never that poor tormented soul who took her own life almost twenty years ago.

How much pain can one person take, sis? My heart aches for you. You are in a world of unendurable hurt but it's the denial that will fuck you. It's sucked the life out of your soul already; you are a stranger to me. I do not know the person you have become and I am not sure I even want to know her. 

Maybe you've had your memories pushed out, trivialised or negated by self-serving lies and manipulations.
I get it. 
It wears you down until you don't even fucking know who you are any more, or how you're supposed to feel.

But I do remember. And I'll never forget.

I can't believe it's come to this, but it has. Despite everything, you've let her win and I'll probably never know why. But I will not waste another second of my life agonising over it. I will NOT live in denial, and I will not allow that woman's delusional poison to stunt my growth and restrict my chance for a good life any more.

I wish you luck, and I wish you happiness. I hope happiness is possible for you, because the sister I know and love, the one I REMEMBER so fondly, deserves all the happiness in the world.

I'll always love you, even if I will never be a part of your life again.

Narcissistic rage: a glimpse into the bleak abyss of a blackened soul

An article on the Psychology Today site, "Rage - Coming Soon from a Narcissist Near You", sums up the inordinate fury and tempestuous temper tantrums of these sick, mercurial people very well: "There is a saying that when you’re a hammer the world looks like a nail.  When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that a narcissist feels justified in raging back at it."

The writer of this article disagrees with the view that narcissists suffer from low self-esteem, and asserts that narcissistic rage actually "occurs when [their] core instability [their need/ability to feel and sustain feeling superior to everyone else] is threatened."

I actually think this all ultimately boils down to the same thing: a narcissist will do anything - literally anything, including beating the shit out of their own child - to vent their bottomless, formidable rage and distract themselves from the terrible, pitiless void within their souls. Narcissistic rage usually (although not always) follows from narcissistic injury. As you can imagine, pretty much anything can make a narcissist feel 'injured'.  You might disagree with them on something, offer them a well-meaning nugget of constructive criticism, or you might simply catch them in a lie (they tell lots of lies). You could even make a perfectly reasonable request of them (I once asked my mother to please leave me alone for five minutes, after she had burst into my bedroom without knocking while I was trying to rest. She went UTTERLY BALLISTIC, and subjected me to a prolonged physical attack, screaming at me the whole time. This was Christmas day 1994). 

So the rage will often be seemingly completely unprovoked and come from nowhere. My mother used to habitually lose her keys, and would stampede like a demented menopausal bull around the house in a fit of almost comically histrionic ire, screeching "WHERE ARE MY KEYS??? WHERE ARE MY KEEEEEEYYYYYYS?" If my sister and I failed to "get off our arses" to help her look for her goddamn fucking keys, her rage amplified by a factor of a hundred. It really was a sight to behold; both pathetic and terrifying. She was not much taller than five feet nothing, yet she had more rage inside her than a thousand bloodthirsty warriors. Without fail, within 10 minutes, she would find her keys (or one of her bemused/desperately placating daughters would), and she'd just harumph "oh, there they are", and instantly revert back to her characteristic 'simmering' state. It was like turning the gas dial down on the hob by a few notches. Of course, the temptation was always there to just say to her: "Calm the fuck down, you'll bust a blood vessel, woman". HOW I WISH I'd said that to her, instead of kowtowing to her insane whims and absurd, childish tantrums, time after time. Those words, coming from me, the daughter for whom she harboured so much unbridled contempt and resentment, would have made her implode. Literally, I think she would have self-destructed - the fizzing, impotent fury might have just stopped her heart there and then.

But she knew I'd never do or say anything incendiary, particularly not while The Narcissist was Mid-Rage - it would be like chucking petrol on a fire already blazing out of control. 

The rage was ALWAYS there in the background of her demeanour, threatening to froth, spew, spit and sputter to boiling point, but most of the time, she just remained on 'simmer', ominously bubbling away until the next inconsequential thing cranked the gas to max. The narcissist's power, such as it is - i.e. their ability to tyrannise and intimidate their victims so effectively - is due to the UNPREDICTABILITY and SEETHING INTENSITY of these rages. 

Hint: you won't be waiting long

The rages don't always mean someone has to get punched, slapped or hit (or shot, stabbed, bludgeoned or strangled in the worst cases). My mother was adept at high-octane verbal abuse, door-slamming, foot-stamping and glass-shattering banshee screaming, and her ability to 'create an oppressive atmosphere' was really quite remarkable... And after she'd expended all that energy on being so pointlessly, inexplicably, disproportionately angry, she did the 'Silent Treatment' like a boss. Obviously, I rarely (if ever) knew what I'd done to warrant such punishment. I just assumed I did, somehow, deserve it. Why else would she behave the way she did? I must have been deficient or just exceptionally annoying. She made me wish I could disappear; at the same time, she also made me feel invisible. But that's the reality of living with a narcissistic mother - there is a constant squirming sickness in the pit of the stomach, a weighty and unrelenting sense of guilt and contrition (with no confirmed source or explanation), and a pervasive and palpable feeling of suffocating dread, which permeates and plagues your every nerve cell. 

With the narcissist YOU are responsible for how YOU feel (if they hurt you, it's YOUR fault for being 'hurtable' or 'too sensitive'), but you are also responsible for how THEY feel, because it's easier for them to blame than to introspect.

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201202/rage-coming-soon-narcissist-near-you 

http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/narcissistic-injury.html 

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/how-to-cause-narcissistic-injury.html

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/what-causes-narcissistic-rage/

Egomania and Narcissism

I have just watched 'Egomania', a 45 minute documentary featuring "self-aware" narcissist Dr Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited". Video link below.

This documentary looks at the nine major traits (or diagnostic criteria - click here for more details) associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
1. Grandiosity
2. Arrogance
3. Preoccupation with success and power
4. Lack of empathy
5. Belief of being unique, special, 'the best'
6. Sense of entitlement
7. Requiring excessive admiration and validation
8. Exploitative of others
9. Envious and highly critical of others (and a belief that others are envious of him/her)

(I would add a 10th, lack of accountability and remorse.)

There are some interesting insights here, although it focuses primarily on overt narcissists - the flagrantly flamboyant kind, about whom movies are made; those who not only possess numerous narcissistic characteristics (five or more), but quite shamelessly exhibit and flout those characteristics in their day-to-day lives, thus appearing quite uninhibited in their egomania or 'craziness'. The extreme examples given here are those of David Berg, perverted megalomaniac founder of deviant cult "The Children of God", and Brian Blackwell, who murdered his parents in 2004 at the age of just 18, a brutal and horrifying crime that was downgraded to manslaughter once he had been assessed as having NPD. 

I personally think covert, 'under the radar' narcissists are just as dangerous - while their actions are not quite so dramatic, amoral or shocking (at least to those not directly affected by them), this means they are typically able to string their victim/s along for longer, all the while maintaining a superficial veneer of sanity and respectability. This mask - totally convincing to everyone who never has to experience The Real Truth of The Narcissist - effectively belies what horror lurks beneath.

The documentary shows how NPD can lead to criminality, particularly among the most severe narcissists. But even the vast majority of high-functioning narcissists who do not break the law (through murder, sexual exploitation, bigamy, fraud and embezzlement, for example) invariably break the lives of other people. It is a disorder that wreaks unfettered havoc and total and utter devastation on everyone it touches, from the casual acquaintances and unsuspecting 'friends' who are fooled into seeing the narcissist as a "decent guy" or a "kind woman" and thus become one of their army of expendable and interchangeable enablers, through to the decimated casualties of the full force of narcissistic abuse. These are (usually) the children, partners and ex-partners of the narcissist who, at best, are left in a bruised and bewildered daze wondering "what the fuck just happened to me?" and, at worst, lose their health, security, friends and sanity.

"Narcissists resent weak people, vulnerable people... they have an in-bred 'aversion' to children, the elderly, sick people... it provokes in them a sadistic impulse... they prey upon weakness... they exploit vulnerability... Narcissists are predators." - Sam Vaknin

My own personal belief is that the very act of loving a narcissist is in itself viewed as a weakness by the narcissist - in fact as the most unforgivable weakness. They loathe themselves so much, so completely, that anyone who can actually find them intrinsically lovable is, in their mind, beneath contempt. This is why they so often target their own children and partners.

Further reading: NPD information sources

Ditching the 'victim' label

I have previously used the word 'victim', and will probably continue to use it (sparingly) throughout this blog, although it is not a word I like personally, because it has connotations of passivity and helplessness... even though at my lowest points I was, I suppose, both passive and helpless. Blogger Akhila Kolisetty's article, "Why Words Matter: Victim v. Survivor", asserts that: "The word ‘victim’ robs individuals of their agency and their ability to fight back. ‘Survivor’ displays the individual’s resistance, ability to take action in the face of immense obstacles, and... implies ingenuity, resourcefulness, and inner strength."

However, I am not keen on  the word 'survivor' either - to me it sounds incongruously triumphalist. The truth is, when we are abused by someone we love and trust, we don't usually have the stark choices: 'live' or 'die' (although sadly, suicide or murder is not uncommon in the more severe cases of domestic abuse - see, for example, the tragic case of Reeva Steenkamp, shot and killed by Oscar Pistorius in February 2013... and psychological murder is a very real phenomenon). 

For most victims/survivors however, no matter how resilient we are, we settle for something in between: we put up with it. Often for far, far too long. (As to that age-old question WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH IT? - that will be addressed in a later post.) We do not 'survive' as such, and we do not 'die', although we might have episodes where we really, really want to die... Instead, we merely exist, and barely so; a shadow of our true selves. In the long-term, our options for 'surviving' narcissistic abuse are limited. We can either live in denial of it, to the detriment of our mental health, or we can self-destruct with drugs, addictions or damaging learned behaviour (these two options frequently tend to go together, so in fact do not represent 'survival' at all). 
OR: we can RECOVER and HEAL.  

The last option is only possible if we do all of the following:
1. Recognise that we have been abused
2. Accept that it isn't our fault
3. Distance ourselves from our abuser (preferably No Contact), in the knowledge that they will not change
4. Practice self-love. This is the part that will take the rest of our lives, and we can only make a start on it when we have completed 1, 2 and 3.


Resources:

http://akhilak.com/blog/2012/03/13/why-words-matter-victim-v-survivor/

http://www.examiner.com/article/was-reeva-steenkamp-killed-by-a-trigger-happy-narcissist

Why Oscar Pistorius is a narcissist: http://www.commdiginews.com/sports/the-pistorius-diagnosis-experts-got-it-wrong-20767/

http://www.lifeinsighttherapy.co.uk/2014/04/oscar-pistorius-narcissist/

Covert Psychological Murder: Death As A Result Of Insidious Mental & Emotional Abuse: http://hubpages.com/education/Psychological-Murder


http://datingasociopath.com/2013/11/06/learning-to-love-yourself-after-an-abusive-relationship/

http://self-love-u.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/unraveling-12-steps-to-healing-from.html

The difference between self-love and narcissism

It's easy to assume that narcissism is a grotesquely obese, out-of-control, unchecked and unhealthy corruption of self-love. In fact, narcissism is the exact negation of self-love - they are polar opposites. Self-love is underpinned by self-confidence; narcissism by self-preservation. It's a very important distinction to identify.

Self-love begins with healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem entails valuing oneself as equal to others. (Not better, not worse.) It's about feeling confident and comfortable in one's own skin. It's about security, and not relying on anyone else to bolster that sense of security.

So, self-love should flow naturally from this healthy foundation. Except if we're being abused by someone who claims to 'love' us, we are told explicitly or implicitly (usually both) that we have no value, we have no reason to feel confident about who we are, and we have nothing to feel secure about. Thus, our opportunities for self-love are crushed before they can even begin to emerge. (This is why many psychologists and researchers believe that narcissism is sometimes caused by being the target of narcissistic abuse - it's seen by some researchers as a psychological defence mechanism, i.e. the narcissism is a False Mask of grandiosity, conceit and entitlement obscuring the wounded true self in order to avoid the pain of reality. I explore this more in my blog posts What Lies Behind NPD? and The ACoN doesn't fall far from the tree.)

From the Psychology Today article Self-Esteem versus Narcissism: "Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy. So where do these attitudes come from? And why do we form them?"

And, crucially: "Narcissism encourages envy and hostile rivalries, where self-esteem supports compassion and cooperation. Narcissism favors dominance, where self-esteem acknowledges equality. Narcissism involves arrogance, where self-esteem reflects humility. Narcissism is affronted by criticism, where self-esteem is enhanced by feedback. Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand above them. Self-esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of value in a world of meaning."

So, while it would appear that the narcissist is the centre of their own warped universe, a more accurate description would be that the narcissist is constantly projecting their own self-loathing. And when it comes to self-loathing, the narcissist has a limitless supply. Truly, it's limitless. Rather than introspection, such a crucial gift for anyone with a healthy sense of self but a process both unimaginable and impossible for the narcissist, they choose to blame others for their inadequacies, faults and mistakes. 


Resources:

http://lonerwolf.com/low-self-esteem/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201206/self-esteem-versus-narcissism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dark-side-work/201409/healthy-self-esteem-versus-healthy-narcissism

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com.au/2008/12/absence-of-introspection.html 


Further reading: NPD information sources