I have just watched 'Egomania', a 45 minute documentary featuring "self-aware" narcissist Dr Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited". Video link below. This documentary looks at the nine major traits (or diagnostic criteria - click here for more details) associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder: 1. Grandiosity 2. Arrogance 3. Preoccupation with success and power 4. Lack of empathy 5. Belief of being unique, special, 'the best' 6. Sense of entitlement 7. Requiring excessive admiration and validation 8. Exploitative of others 9. Envious and highly critical of others (and a belief that others are envious of him/her) (I would add a 10th, lack of accountability and remorse.) There are some interesting insights here, although it focuses primarily on overt narcissists - the flagrantly flamboyant kind, about whom movies are made; those who not only possess numerous narcissistic characteristics (five or more), but quite shamelessly exhibit and flout those characteristics in their day-to-day lives, thus appearing quite uninhibited in their egomania or 'craziness'. The extreme examples given here are those of David Berg, perverted megalomaniac founder of deviant cult "The Children of God", and Brian Blackwell, who murdered his parents in 2004 at the age of just 18, a brutal and horrifying crime that was downgraded to manslaughter once he had been assessed as having NPD. I personally think covert, 'under the radar' narcissists are just as dangerous - while their actions are not quite so dramatic, amoral or shocking (at least to those not directly affected by them), this means they are typically able to string their victim/s along for longer, all the while maintaining a superficial veneer of sanity and respectability. This mask - totally convincing to everyone who never has to experience The Real Truth of The Narcissist - effectively belies what horror lurks beneath. The documentary shows how NPD can lead to criminality, particularly among the most severe narcissists. But even the vast majority of high-functioning narcissists who do not break the law (through murder, sexual exploitation, bigamy, fraud and embezzlement, for example) invariably break the lives of other people. It is a disorder that wreaks unfettered havoc and total and utter devastation on everyone it touches, from the casual acquaintances and unsuspecting 'friends' who are fooled into seeing the narcissist as a "decent guy" or a "kind woman" and thus become one of their army of expendable and interchangeable enablers, through to the decimated casualties of the full force of narcissistic abuse. These are (usually) the children, partners and ex-partners of the narcissist who, at best, are left in a bruised and bewildered daze wondering "what the fuck just happened to me?" and, at worst, lose their health, security, friends and sanity. "Narcissists resent weak people, vulnerable people... they have an in-bred 'aversion' to children, the elderly, sick people... it provokes in them a sadistic impulse... they prey upon weakness... they exploit vulnerability... Narcissists are predators." - Sam Vaknin My own personal belief is that the very act of loving a narcissist is in itself viewed as a weakness by the narcissist - in fact as the most unforgivable weakness. They loathe themselves so much, so completely, that anyone who can actually find them intrinsically lovable is, in their mind, beneath contempt. This is why they so often target their own children and partners.
I have previously used the word 'victim', and will probably continue to use it (sparingly) throughout this blog, although it is not a word I like personally, because it has connotations of passivity and helplessness... even though at my lowest points I was, I suppose, both passive and helpless. Blogger Akhila Kolisetty's article, "Why Words Matter: Victim v. Survivor", asserts that: "The word ‘victim’ robs individuals of their agency and their ability to fight back. ‘Survivor’ displays the individual’s resistance, ability to take action in the face of immense obstacles, and... implies ingenuity, resourcefulness, and inner strength." However, I am not keen on the word 'survivor' either - to me it sounds incongruously triumphalist. The truth is, when we are abused by someone we love and trust, we don't usually have the stark choices: 'live' or 'die' (although sadly, suicide or murder is not uncommon in the more severe cases of domestic abuse - see, for example, the tragic case of Reeva Steenkamp, shot and killed by Oscar Pistorius in February 2013... and psychological murder is a very real phenomenon). For most victims/survivors however, no matter how resilient we are, we settle for something in between: we put up with it. Often for far, far too long. (As to that age-old question WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH IT? - that will be addressed in a later post.) We do not 'survive' as such, and we do not 'die', although we might have episodes where we really, really want to die... Instead, we merely exist, and barely so; a shadow of our true selves. In the long-term, our options for 'surviving' narcissistic abuse are limited. We can either live in denial of it, to the detriment of our mental health, or we can self-destruct with drugs, addictions or damaging learned behaviour (these two options frequently tend to go together, so in fact do not represent 'survival' at all). OR: we can RECOVER and HEAL. The last option is only possible if we do all of the following: 1. Recognise that we have been abused 2. Accept that it isn't our fault 3. Distance ourselves from our abuser (preferably No Contact), in the knowledge that they will not change 4. Practice self-love. This is the part that will take the rest of our lives, and we can only make a start on it when we have completed 1, 2 and 3. Resources: http://akhilak.com/blog/2012/03/13/why-words-matter-victim-v-survivor/
It's easy to assume that narcissism is a grotesquely obese, out-of-control, unchecked and unhealthy corruption of self-love. In fact, narcissism is the exact negation of self-love - they are polar opposites. Self-love is underpinned by self-confidence; narcissism by self-preservation. It's a very important distinction to identify.
Self-love begins with healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem entails valuing oneself as equal to others. (Not better, not worse.) It's about feeling confident and comfortable in one's own skin. It's about security, and not relying on anyone else to bolster that sense of security. So, self-love should flow naturally from this healthy foundation. Except if we're being abused by someone who claims to 'love' us, we are told explicitly or implicitly (usually both) that we have no value, we have no reason to feel confident about who we are, and we have nothing to feel secure about. Thus, our opportunities for self-love are crushed before they can even begin to emerge. (This is why many psychologists and researchers believe that narcissism is sometimes caused by being the target of narcissistic abuse - it's seen by some researchers as a psychological defence mechanism, i.e. the narcissism is a False Mask of grandiosity, conceit and entitlement obscuring the wounded true self in order to avoid the pain of reality. I explore this more in my blog posts What Lies Behind NPD? and The ACoN doesn't fall far from the tree.)
From the Psychology Today article Self-Esteem versus Narcissism: "Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy. So where do these attitudes come from? And why do we form them?" And, crucially: "Narcissism encourages envy and hostile rivalries, where self-esteem supports compassion and cooperation. Narcissism favors dominance, where self-esteem acknowledges equality. Narcissism involves arrogance, where self-esteem reflects humility. Narcissism is affronted by criticism, where self-esteem is enhanced by feedback. Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand above them. Self-esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of value in a world of meaning." So, while it would appear that the narcissist is the centre of their own warped universe, a more accurate description would be that the narcissist is constantly projecting their own self-loathing. And when it comes to self-loathing, the narcissist has a limitless supply. Truly, it's limitless. Rather than introspection, such a crucial gift for anyone with a healthy sense of self but a process both unimaginable and impossible for the narcissist, they choose to blame others for their inadequacies, faults and mistakes. Resources: http://lonerwolf.com/low-self-esteem/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201206/self-esteem-versus-narcissism https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dark-side-work/201409/healthy-self-esteem-versus-healthy-narcissism http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com.au/2008/12/absence-of-introspection.html
