I've already written a post about NPD and its relation with the nature of evil, and another post examining the question of whether it's rooted in (or inevitably leads to) mental illness, or insanity.
There are two options, the way I see it:
(1) My mother's memories and perceptions are so warped, so detached from (and at odds with) reality, and her delusions are so deeply entrenched that she really, genuinely DOES believe that she never abused any of her daughters at all. In fact, in her mind, her daughters are the ones at fault, and SHE is the victim, the poor suffering devoted mother who 'only did her best' and has been cursed not only with three awful ex-husbands but with three difficult, dishonest, disappointing, unreasonable, mentally unstable daughters, one of whom is dead, one of whom is estranged and one of whom has as little to do with her as possible. This tactic would, to say the least, obviously involve a considerable amount of 'selective amnesia' on my mother's part, because I have MANY crystal-clear and unbearably painful memories of both my younger sister and myself being beaten, belittled, humiliated, screamed at, manipulated, neglected, disrespected and ignored by her. Denying or downplaying these incidences - hundreds of them, not just the odd abusive incident every now and then - does not miraculously make them 'untrue'. But I can understand why she would want to deny them - why she would NEED to deny them. This option means my mother is MENTALLY ILL, possibly INSANE.
(2) My mother knows that I'm telling the absolute truth when I have confronted her about how she deviously abused me (and my sisters, and my dad, albeit different methods used for all four of us). She knows that every accusation I have levelled against her is irrefutably true - she knows she has been a terrible, abusive, negligent and cruel mother, that she has always deliberately and insidiously exploited her own daughters' weaknesses and prioritised herself above us, and never once so much as acknowledged the relentless awfulness of her behaviour, much less made any sort of heartfelt apology. She knows the full extent of her cruelties and her many shortcomings and toxic exploits, and she knows how terribly these have damaged us, her daughters, the very people she is supposed to love and protect above all others. She KNOWS ALL OF THIS, and that her abhorrent manipulations have compelled me to deny the truth while promoting her precious lies and delusions (to the detriment of my own mental health). And finally, she knows that now, at almost 40 years old, when I have finally found the strength to talk frankly and candidly about the past and the many ways in which she has been DIRECTLY and EXCLUSIVELY to blame for the countless abuses inflicted on me and my sisters, she CHOOSES to pretend to 'not be that person'. She chooses instead to deny it all, and to project it all back onto me, blaming ME for EVERYTHING just because I'm the only one with the balls to stand up to her at long fucking last. This option means my mother is EVIL.
So, which is it? Is my mother mentally ill, or is she evil? A combination of both? I know there's nothing wrong with her memory (she's demented, not senile), but there's undoubtedly something profoundly wrong with her brain. As I will examine in other posts, there are many different 'types' of narcissism, and sub-types of maternal narcissism specifically. Regardless of whether she is insane, evil or both, my mother is, indisputably, a VICTIMISED NARCISSIST (see my blog post The abuser plays the victim):
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| Overlooking the typo, I could have written this word for word about my own mother |
What about me, then? Am I mentally ill or evil? Well, let's think about that. Although not as sharp as it once was (back in my youth...), there's definitely nothing wrong with my memory, apart from the fact that chronic childhood trauma has perhaps necessitated the repression of my worst experiences, as a defence mechanism. I have no desire to dredge those up, but be assured: if I did, they would incriminate my mother to a horrifying extent. I'm emotionally damaged, and have mild anxiety and various other minor and surmountable psychological issues, but I'm not mentally ill.
So am I evil? Or how about just a little bit mean? Am I being cruel to the woman who gave me life? Surely, at the very least, I'm being disrespectful? Or stretching the truth? Well now, let's have a good hard think about that, too. How do you deal with someone who systematically and remorselessly trivialises your emotions, preys on your vulnerabilities, chips away at your sanity and manipulates the outside world to make you feel that YOU are the 'bad' one, and to make everyone else believe that you're the bad one? How do you deal with someone like that? Well, you probably cut them out of your life, as quickly and completely as possible, don't you? But what if you live with that person, what if you have NO CHOICE but to live with that person, to grow up under their direct influence, what if your very existence relies on being LOVED and cared for by that person, what if that person gave birth to you and so EVERYONE automatically assumes they have your best interests at heart?
What then?
I'll tell you what: it's the worst kind of daily mental torture for a child; a slow drip-feed of emotional abuse, confusing mixed messages, invalidation and mind-fucking hell from every direction - not just from the narcissistic mother herself but from every oblivious, willfully ignorant or complicit family member or friend or acquaintance who toes the line, repeats the lie: "your mother loves you and your happiness is important to her" and even "she is a good mother and you are lucky to have her". Even when the victim FINALLY finds the courage to be open and honest about the abuse they suffered (and believe me, it takes more courage than any abuse apologist could possibly find within themselves), these people still repeat that same old bullshit, refusing to accept they've been duped by a monster. She loves you. She wants you to be happy. She did her best. Try to understand what she's been through, all that she's sacrificed for you. Be a good daughter to her, she deserves your love and loyalty. Don't bear a grudge, anger is such a wasteful emotion.
So I'll end this with one final message to my mother's enablers and flying monkeys; all the people who have always unquestioningly believed her heinous, poisonous claims of victimhood and who presume her unimpeachable innocence of all wrongdoing, even after I have bared my heart and soul with desperate and beseeching honesty. If you can stand, without shame or hesitation, in support of a narcissistic abuser by telling their victim that THEY are wrong, that they are cruel for even daring to bring up the past, that they must forgive and forget, that they must make allowances, then YOU are part of the problem and will NEVER be part of the solution. And, quite frankly, you can all go fuck yourselves.
Resources:
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/22/a-narcissist-is-not-a-fully-functioning-human-being-they-are-only-an-emotionless-facsimile/
You could be quoting my life, chapter and verse!
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