In a word: no. Having a narcissistic parent is the most grueling and challenging endurance test anyone can go through, and the damage lasts an entire lifetime. This is not a self-pitying pronouncement, it is a simple statement of fact.
Philip Larkin's words "They fuck you up, your mum and dad" have never been more apt than when applied to parents with narcissistic tendencies, and certainly to parents who are full-blown malignant narcissists. What is possible - and absolutely necessary - is to not allow your narcissistic parent to turn you into a toxic person.
What is also possible, although much more difficult, is to transform the pain and the many layers of deep-rooted hurt into an affirmative conscious choice to not only survive the abuse but to thrive and become a stronger, better person. Many children of narcissists choose to not have their own children, for understandable reasons. But those that do might find it extremely difficult to have confidence in their parenting, because of the poor role model they had while growing up.
It is my personal belief that narcissism is created as a barrier or 'buffer' between a deeply damaged and insecure individual and the 'real world', with all its random and inevitable risks and vicissitudes. Narcissism is therefore, effectively, a subconscious 'self-protective' (although ultimately self-defeating and self-destructive) strategy that turns a human being into a cold-blooded automaton. A 'shyster shield', if you like. It is formed as both attack and defence, and once it's in place, virtually nothing can be done to either 'treat' or 'cure' it, i.e. to turn the cold-blooded automaton back into a human being.
Narcissists perceive 'loving' someone, in the purest and truest sense, as a heinous and terrifying vulnerability, and so they avoid love (and any and all emotions that might weaken their defence) by playing games, rather than investing in a mutual relationship, with the people they form connections with. These primary connections are usually with partners and children, and those partners and children are often the only people who will become horribly acquainted with The Dark Side of the Narcissist, and who will witness the full horror of what these people are capable of doing. Avoiding love and all its potential hazards and hurts entails merely mimicking love, intimacy, normalcy and all the authentic 'warm and fuzzy' emotions that make life worth living for most normal people. Their numb, hollowed-out soul enables them to live a life of surfaces, of superficial appearances, of guile and chicanery.
This again raises the question: what causes narcissism? Are narcissists born that way; are they 'predisposed' to narcissism? Is it a reaction to an experience, a trauma? Is it a result of poor parenting - do shit parents raise maladjusted kids who are destined to become shit parents themselves? Nothing is quite so black and white, of course. I have met very many exceptionally kind and gentle people who were raised in horrific circumstances by monsters who should never have been permitted the privilege of having children. Likewise, I know of several unpleasant, hostile, fucked-up or thoroughly untrustworthy people whose parents were (ostensibly) attentive, consistent and loving. My own mother is one example. (Obviously, we cannot be privy to the full and accurate details of someone else's childhood and upbringing so it is reckless to assume a causal link between 'parenting style' and 'outcome'.)
Let's look again at what narcissism is (courtesy of the 'Winning Teams' website - see resources): "Narcissism is egocentric behavior that occurs as a result of low self-esteem, or feeling inferior in certain situations, caused by a gap between the ideal self (standards set by others, for example, parents) and the real self. This results in threatening situations (real or perceived), which lead to anxiety, which in turn lead to the development of defense mechanisms to defend the individual's ego. Defense against a real or perceived threat involves denial and distortion of facts, projection and splitting [more on that in another post].... The hallmark of a narcissist is the development of a superiority complex as a response to feeling inferior. This involves exaggerating his own achievements and putting down anyone that he perceives as a threat."
The article goes on to state that although narcissistic tendencies
are common in adolescence (and of course 'egocentrism' is a defining feature of
infancy), only a tiny minority of children will become adults with NPD. Is
there a defining feature of a child's upbringing that will determine their
likelihood of developing NPD? Certainly it seems probable that "faulty or
inadequate parenting" plays a pivotal role and, as this article so
eloquently asserts: "Narcissists generally feel unprepared for adulthood,
having been fostered with an unrealistic view of life." (This could be
because their parents spoil and idealise them, and/or they fail to set healthy
boundaries or impose appropriate discipline.)
It then touches on a subject which I will expand on in a later post, that of 'dark forces' at work in the narcissist's soul [my emphases]: "In extreme cases, narcissism may be linked to invocation whereby an individual's normal personality is replaced by another. This psychological state, where the narcissist becomes almost entirely divorced from reality, can be a means of communicating with or getting closer to a deity or spirit which some believe can result in demonic possession."
Wikipedia's NPD page lists the following factors identified by various researchers as possible causes of narcissism (I believe the first five apply to my mother, although her NPD was undoubtedly triggered by later life events):
- An oversensitive temperament (personality traits) at birth.
- Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.
- Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.
- Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.
- Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.
- Severe emotional abuse in childhood.
- Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.
- Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.
- Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem
As you will see, all of these factors, with the exception of the first, puts the onus on the parents/caregivers. Thus the moral seems to be: do not raise your child to be an entitled, conceited, selfish brat, but... please don't forget to love them unconditionally and set consistent boundaries within a safe and secure home environment.
And that sounds sensible and not too unrealistic, I think? Doesn't it? And yet I certainly don't blame my grandparents for the way my mother turned out. It's pointless to blame anyone.
Resources:
http://www.winning-teams.com/narcissism_causes.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
The Washington Post: How parents create narcissistic children
"Psychoanalytic theory suggested that narcissists were the result of parents who showed them too little warmth...." But this study revealed that "Parents who 'overvalue' children, telling them they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, are more likely to produce narcissistic children -- who can grow up to become narcissistic adults, unless something is done about it."
My previous post: What lies behind NPD?
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