This set of questions, in my opinion, is inadequate in terms of addressing the issues that children of extreme (malignant) and/or ignoring narcissistic mothers typically deal with. The questions are far too simplistic and seem to be based largely on the author's own relationship with her own (engulfing, non-psychopathic) narcissistic mother.
My own answers are below:
1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
Yes, so I stopped talking to her about life issues, and stopped confiding in her about anything, after the age of 18.
2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
Yes, she did, hence I stopped discussing my feelings with her, and haven't done so in any depth since 1995. See question 1.
3. Does your mother act jealous of you?
Yes - insanely.
4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
Yes, she has precisely NO empathy for me. She cannot even be bothered to fake sympathy or compassion for me. But she APPEARS to have empathy for people she didn't give birth to or wasn't once married to. Still can't quite work this one out.
5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother"?
Just as she has never shown the slightest concern for me during tumultuous periods of my life (health problems, relationship breakdowns), she has never taken any interest in anything I've done that should have elicited some sort of pride - exam success and other academic achievements, a book publishing deal, job offers, travel experiences, marriage, and the births of my babies. It all passed her by. She's just so busy, you see.
6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
Yes - there's never been any. An occasional faked and fleeting gesture of affection when I was a child; that's it.
7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
Yes, I did. But now I don't question it. I KNOW she doesn't love or like me.
8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
No. She birthed me, fed me, clothed me and kept a roof over my head while I was a child/teen (all begrudgingly), and beyond that, NOTHING. I'm sure she lies to others about all these amazing sacrifices she's supposedly made, but she has done NOTHING beyond the most basic physical sustenance, and so has nothing to back up her lies. Yet people still believe her.
No. She birthed me, fed me, clothed me and kept a roof over my head while I was a child/teen (all begrudgingly), and beyond that, NOTHING. I'm sure she lies to others about all these amazing sacrifices she's supposedly made, but she has done NOTHING beyond the most basic physical sustenance, and so has nothing to back up her lies. Yet people still believe her.
9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
No. She has no sort of human reaction. She's never shown the slightest interest, never mind concern. (Although if something tragic WERE to happen to me, she'd use it as a means of gaining attention and sympathy for herself. She would be THRILLED if I were to die before she did - she'd get so much precious supply, and could play the martyr with total impunity.)
No. She has no sort of human reaction. She's never shown the slightest interest, never mind concern. (Although if something tragic WERE to happen to me, she'd use it as a means of gaining attention and sympathy for herself. She would be THRILLED if I were to die before she did - she'd get so much precious supply, and could play the martyr with total impunity.)
10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
Yes. She really, really cares about what other people think of her. She is entirely dependent upon their validation because she's completely repulsed and alienated everyone who knows the truth about her (her daughters and one or two other relatives - everyone else presumes she's a lovely little old lady).
11. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
Her true feelings, yes. By necessity she denies them, and it must be exhausting for her. She is utterly consumed by self-loathing, but she can't deal with that so she projects that as rage, resentment, contempt and jealousy. Everyone else is somehow to blame for the aching, ugly void within her soul.
12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
See above. All. The. Time.
13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
She was easily hurt and TOTALLY impervious to (or perhaps more accurately, unfazed by) the extreme hurt she habitually caused those closest to her. Nobody did the silent treatment like my mother.
She was easily hurt and TOTALLY impervious to (or perhaps more accurately, unfazed by) the extreme hurt she habitually caused those closest to her. Nobody did the silent treatment like my mother.
14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
Absolutely. I was her slave, her hostage and her punching bag
Absolutely. I was her slave, her hostage and her punching bag
15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
I was the reason she was unhappy and stressed. She didn't even WANT kids, but there I was, existing just to spite her. So yeah, I felt "responsible".
I was the reason she was unhappy and stressed. She didn't even WANT kids, but there I was, existing just to spite her. So yeah, I felt "responsible".
16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
No. Thank God.
No. Thank God.
17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
Absolutely. Rejected is a better word.
Absolutely. Rejected is a better word.
18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
Erm... YES! She never gave me a single compliment. Ever.
Erm... YES! She never gave me a single compliment. Ever.
19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
Paralyzed with terror, more to the point. And drained of all joy and energy. Hence I never want to see her or communicate with her again.
Paralyzed with terror, more to the point. And drained of all joy and energy. Hence I never want to see her or communicate with her again.
20. Are you shamed often by your mother?
I was. She loved to mortify me - it gave her such a thrill.
I was. She loved to mortify me - it gave her such a thrill.
21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
She does not have the first clue who I am - she is terribly well acquainted with what makes me feel scared and miserable though.
She does not have the first clue who I am - she is terribly well acquainted with what makes me feel scared and miserable though.
22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
All. The. Time.
23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
I cannot believe I came from her body, and the fact I did absolutely disgusts me. We could not be less alike. She has totally detached herself from me, and I am now at a point where i welcome that detachment.
I cannot believe I came from her body, and the fact I did absolutely disgusts me. We could not be less alike. She has totally detached herself from me, and I am now at a point where i welcome that detachment.
24. Does your mother appear phony to you?
All. The. Time. She's the phoniest person I've ever met.
All. The. Time. She's the phoniest person I've ever met.
25. Does your mother want to control your choices?
She wants me to make the wrong choices, because nothing makes her happier than my misery. Apart from that, she simply does not care. At all.
She wants me to make the wrong choices, because nothing makes her happier than my misery. Apart from that, she simply does not care. At all.
26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
Her mood tends to simply be varying degrees of "batshit crazy". Sometimes calm ('simmering'), sometimes an enraged tornado of doom and destruction. And everything in between. She could go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye.
Her mood tends to simply be varying degrees of "batshit crazy". Sometimes calm ('simmering'), sometimes an enraged tornado of doom and destruction. And everything in between. She could go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye.
27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
It was 'obviously' my fault she was unhappy and poor and stressed. So I felt guilty all the time. I tried to please her, but my efforts were in vain. See question 15.
It was 'obviously' my fault she was unhappy and poor and stressed. So I felt guilty all the time. I tried to please her, but my efforts were in vain. See question 15.
28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
I only exist to her as a thing to be manipulated. I literally serve no other purpose.
I only exist to her as a thing to be manipulated. I literally serve no other purpose.
29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
She doesn't know who I am, and she doesn't care about what I do. So I don't feel valued at all, in any way. Never have done.
She doesn't know who I am, and she doesn't care about what I do. So I don't feel valued at all, in any way. Never have done.
30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
Constantly. This question refers to two separate and distinct aspects of her toxic personality though: her 'controlling' side, which is formidable, and her propensity to play the victim (poor long-suffering unappreciated mother), which is possibly even more formidable.
Constantly. This question refers to two separate and distinct aspects of her toxic personality though: her 'controlling' side, which is formidable, and her propensity to play the victim (poor long-suffering unappreciated mother), which is possibly even more formidable.
31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
She makes me feel ashamed for having feelings at all, never mind making me feel obliged to deny and suppress them.
She makes me feel ashamed for having feelings at all, never mind making me feel obliged to deny and suppress them.
32. Does your mother compete with you?
She's insanely jealous and my entire adult life has been viewed by her as a sick game of oneupmanship. One that she has lost, abysmally, hence her willingness to accept my NC decision without the slightest murmur of protest.
She's insanely jealous and my entire adult life has been viewed by her as a sick game of oneupmanship. One that she has lost, abysmally, hence her willingness to accept my NC decision without the slightest murmur of protest.
33. Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Yes. Always.
Yes. Always.
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