But - whether we can tolerate or even enjoy a relationship with one depends what we need and expect from a relationship, and on how severely narcissistic they are.
To put it simply: the more narcissistic traits a person has, the more Sisyphean the task of maintaining a relationship with that person. I am going to go out on a limb here and state that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a fulfilling, honest and happy relationship with someone who has full-blown NPD. Even those of us who are obstinately optimistic masochists (as I tend to be) will soon end up feeling exhausted, demented and depressed. It is simply NOT WORTH IT.
A relationship SHOULD be based on mutual respect, consideration and appreciation (indeed these are the very things most of us consider to be the bare essentials). Problem is, narcissists don't "do" reciprocity. They take, and take, and take. And then they'll take some more. On the rare occasions they 'give', it is done begrudgingly and with a hidden agenda; they will make it seem like it's such a monumental sacrifice for them that your gratitude will be overwhelming, or rather, their expectation of your inordinate gratitude will be overwhelming. They are insensitive or unsympathetic to your feelings, even if they put on a convincing show of the opposite. If you are feeling proud of yourself for some reason, or simply content and at peace, they will attempt to outshine you or bring you down, either flagrantly or covertly. If you are feeling sad and in need of moral support, they will harangue you with their petulant "what about me and my feelings?!" complaints, or will find another way to make you feel even worse. (An example of this is when my dad died. My sister was naturally crying her heart out over it, and rather than extend genuine heartfelt sympathy and perhaps even a little bit of maternal affection (!?) to her bereaved daughter, my mother harrumphed "Well, I knew him longer than you did".)
As I concluded in my blog post Should we think of NPD as a mental illness?, narcissists suffer from what is, essentially, an emotional disability. Is that 'disability' due to an actual lack of ability (to connect with people; to love) or a more unsettling and unbridgeable unwillingness? In other words, can they help being the way they are - or not? I'm aware I've asked that question already, more than once. I just keep coming back to it. It's because, for me, although the answer might not bring me any closer to understanding NPD, I would rather think of my mother as being sick than being evil. I cannot bear to think of her as evil, although that conclusion does appear to be as legitimate and plausible as the 'sickness' explanation. (See The Narcissist: an emotionless facsimile.)
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| At least a snake never thinks to pretend to be anything else |
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| Quite. |
Of course it is possible to LOVE a narcissist - or at least to love the person they have convinced you they are - the persona, or the person you have romanticised in your mind (through their various manipulations). But a narcissist's 'love' for another person comes with so many conditions and caveats, it can scarcely be thought of as real and proper love at all. (See my blog post: Is a narcissist capable of love?)
Embarking on a romantic/sexual relationship with a narcissist is, of course, quite different to being raised by a narcissistic parent - but the head-fuckery of it all is pretty much the same. They murder souls; they drain the life-force out of their victims, bit by bit. Some people remain married to (and all the while passionately in love with) a narcissist for many years, sometimes even decades. Some narcissists are more skilled, calculating and conniving than others. The stealthiest covert narcissists can dupe hundreds of people over their lifetime (or in the extreme cases of megalomaniacs like Hitler and Trump, millions). While some bide their time, others reveal their true colours within just days or weeks of meeting their target/s. But some of them can act human, even super-human ('too good to be true', 'a perfect soulmate'), for inordinate stretches of time. The illusion, the mirage, is so powerful that it can inveigle and entrap anyone. And it is important to remember this: many narcissists fool themselves at least as much as they fool everyone else. "The most dangerous liars are those who think they are telling the truth."
I made my 'No Contact' decision when I had realised and accepted all of the following fundamental truths, in order:
1. I love my mother, and nothing will ever change that. BUT...
2. She doesn't love me, and will never love me in the way I need(ed) her to love me.
3. She will never acknowledge or apologise for the pain and suffering she has caused me, my sisters and my dad.
4. She will always find a way to blame me (and/or others) for everything.
5. She has at least one serious personality disorder and at least one co-morbid mental illness, which will never be officially diagnosed because she is both 'high-functioning' and a seasoned deceiver (not just a deceiver of other people but above all of herself). Thus, a close and meaningful relationship with her is rendered utterly impossible.
6. She will not change. There is no cure. There is no hope.
7. Her hatred and contempt for me is a reflection of her, not of me.
8. Therefore: Leaving her alone is the kindest thing I can do for her, and for me.
Resources and further reading:
1. Traits of healthy relationships, and what is a 'high conflict' relationship? http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Can-borderlines-and-narcissists-have-healthy-relationships-31
2. The Happy Sensitive: Narcissistic Love Versus Unconditional Love
http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/
This extract in particular is devastatingly true: Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.
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