The Six Deadly Sins of Narcissism

Do you remember the movie SE7EN, with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman? A psychopathic serial killer with an incongruently robust moral code trawls the sinful streets of a generic grey American city seeking out victims with a particular vice, and then utilises that vice as an innovative method of torture and murder against the sinner.

The killer, played by an unnervingly impassive Kevin Spacey, sees it as his mission to rid the world of sinners (crucially overlooking the fact that "Thou Shalt Not Kill" is one of the principal Ten Commandments).

And so the unfortunate morbidly obese man (Gluttony) is killed by being force-fed dozens of cans of spaghetti and then having his distended stomach kicked in; a beautiful, conceited woman (Pride) is offered the choice of death or cutting off her own nose 'to spite her face'; an unscrupulous city lawyer is forced to slice away a precise pound of his own flesh (Greed). Wrath, Sloth, Lust and Envy also feature, of course. I won't go into any more detail, as you are probably well aware of the intricacies of the movie. It's a good premise and an unremittingly bleak film with an ending that you either love or hate.

And so what are the 'sins' of narcissism? They correspond almost precisely to the original Seven Sins, as depicted in such vivid and gory detail in this 1995 movie.

I am going to bundle Greed and Gluttony together. Narcissists tend to hanker after or obsess over one or more of the following: money, sensual pleasures (hedonism/sex/food and other indulgences), 'prestige' possessions (palatial house/s, cars, designer clothing and accoutrements), qualifications/titles, expensive holidays, profitable/high-profile careers, and attractive acquaintances and/or sexual partners with profitable/high-profile careers. Many of them salivate over these superficial things while maintaining a shameless claim to 'transcend the material world' with their own special brand of uniqueness, a 'uniqueness' they expect to be revered for. It's not enough for a narcissist to simply have 'enough'. They can never have enough. They want these things AT THE EXPENSE of other people. In fact, TAKING from others to bolster themselves is an integral part of The Narcissist's way of life. We supply what they need, either directly or as a conduit (any or all of the following: attention, admiration, love, drama, luxuries, sex, a 'feeling of importance'), and they take, take, take. Fucking hell, are they ever good at taking. What's theirs is theirs, and what's yours is also theirs. Never forget that. If you do forget, you will swiftly be familiarised with the extent of a narcissist's 'wrath' (see below).

Now, not all narcissists are lazy - some of them keep very active indeed. In fact many of them appear to be somewhat hyperactive. It must be an endlessly exhausting endeavour to keep up a charade of being the exact opposite of what you really are, and desperately trying to maintain adequate supply coming in from numerous sources of supply to meet their insatiable demands. Their suckering tentacles are always groping and grasping for more. But in terms of fulfilling the 'Sloth' criterion, most of them are emotionally and spiritually destitute. They cannot and will not fulfil their obligations within any significant relationship. Everyone else must do their bidding. They are torpid, draining leeches who latch onto their targets and suck every drop of life, love and joy out of them. Many narcissists will put considerable effort into the illusion of being "busy" and even "vivacious", but beneath even the most compellingly radiant of veneers, they are simply empty, impoverished husks. They rely on the goodwill and trusting credulity of others to help them fill the horrifying, unfillable void within their howling, hollowed-out souls.

There is not a narcissist alive who is not driven by and consumed with blazing, undiluted, obliterating ENVY. But let's call it what it is: JEALOUSY. Dear God, rabid jealousy swirls through their psyche like a tornado, darkening their every thought and sullying every otherwise positive life experience. The narcissist envies everyone, for all manner of reasons. They envy their next door neighbour for having a nicer garden, or a more loving marriage, or a newer car. They envy their colleague for having a desk located by a window, or a more senior role in the company, or a more generous salary package. They envy their best friend for having a better body, or prettier/cleverer children, or a more attentive and attractive partner. They envy their own children for being youthful and vibrant and bursting with hope and potential. To be a narcissist is to be a jealous, seething creature transfixed by and resentful of the virtues, possessions and achievements of everyone around them.

What about wrath? Well, we know that narcissists rage. They rage internally ALL THE TIME, and at times that rage will inevitably spill out into a screaming hissy fit, a violent outburst or a toddleresque temper tantrum (very unbecoming for anyone over the age of five, and particularly so for an ageing man or woman). Occasionally - all three! Be warned: narcissists are permanently, ferociously, formidably, incurably angry people. (See my blog post about narcissistic rage.)

Pride seems to be the most obvious sin when discussing narcissism. 'Pride' and 'narcissism' are often erroneously conflated. There is much, much more to narcissism than pride, but nevertheless, a Narcissist's pride is indeed a wild and intimidating beast that must never be taunted or affronted.  'Vanity' is a synonym for pride, but it's a shallow version, concerned only with superficial appearances. Most narcissists are at least a little vain, but by no means all of them. Pride can be a positive thing: we can expect to feel rightly proud when we pass an exam, or lose weight, or cook a delicious meal. We should feel 'proud' of our children and of our accomplishments. We should, at a very basic level, feel proud of who and what we are. That is 'adaptive pride'. It is an appropriate response to what we feel gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It is pride that comes from within, and is affirmed and validated.

How a narcissist achieves their sense of pride is quite different. They feel proud by making their targets feel weak, undermined, indebted, inferior, ashamed, guilty and afraid. THAT is 'maladaptive pride'. Relying on another person's cowering submission in order to puff up your own perverted sense of pride and self-importance... it's hardly a healthy way of functioning. But that's the narcissist's way. It's the only way they know.

Finally, lust. This doesn't necessarily have to be sexual desire, of course - although there are plenty of narcissists (usually the so-called 'somatic narcissists') who use seduction and sexual prowess to great effect in order to achieve most of their supply and crucify their targets. They are usually extremely conceited, regardless of their physical attractiveness, and their attitude towards their sexual partners and intimate relationships is as putrid, mangled and twisted as their heart. (There are few creatures on earth more pitiful, spiteful and bitter than an ageing somatic narcissist.) But whether it's for sex, popularity, status, fame, money or power, all narcissists lust. It's a lust that can never, ever be satisfied. Lust is therefore intimately entwined with all the other sins.


Further reading:

The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism - shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, sense of entitlement, exploitation and lack of boundaries.

Pride vs. Narcissism

The Somatic Narcissist

Relationships with narcissists: Sisyphean Undertakings

Is it possible to have a reasonably satisfactory, wholesome and authentic relationship with a narcissist? This is a question I have frequently asked myself. I keep arriving at the same answer: probably not. 'Narcissism' is the antithesis of 'wholesome' and 'authentic'. It represents everything that should be the antithesis of 'relationship'.

But - whether we can tolerate or even enjoy a relationship with one depends what we need and expect from a relationship, and on how severely narcissistic they are.

To put it simply: the more narcissistic traits a person has, the more Sisyphean the task of maintaining a relationship with that person. I am going to go out on a limb here and state that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a fulfilling, honest and happy relationship with someone who has full-blown NPD. Even those of us who are obstinately optimistic masochists (as I tend to be) will soon end up feeling exhausted, demented and depressed. It is simply NOT WORTH IT.

A relationship SHOULD be based on mutual respect, consideration and appreciation (indeed these are the very things most of us consider to be the bare essentials). Problem is, narcissists don't "do" reciprocity. They take, and take, and take. And then they'll take some more. On the rare occasions they 'give', it is done begrudgingly and with a hidden agenda; they will make it seem like it's such a monumental sacrifice for them that your gratitude will be overwhelming, or rather, their expectation of your inordinate gratitude will be overwhelming. They are insensitive or unsympathetic to your feelings, even if they put on a convincing show of the opposite. If you are feeling proud of yourself for some reason, or simply content and at peace, they will attempt to outshine you or bring you down, either flagrantly or covertly. If you are feeling sad and in need of moral support, they will harangue you with their petulant "what about me and my feelings?!" complaints, or will find another way to make you feel even worse. (An example of this is when my dad died. My sister was naturally crying her heart out over it, and rather than extend genuine heartfelt sympathy and perhaps even a little bit of maternal affection (!?) to her bereaved daughter, my mother harrumphed "Well, I knew him longer than you did".)

As I concluded in my blog post Should we think of NPD as a mental illness?, narcissists suffer from what is, essentially, an emotional disability. Is that 'disability' due to an actual lack of ability (to connect with people; to love) or a more unsettling and unbridgeable unwillingness? In other words, can they help being the way they are - or not? I'm aware I've asked that question already, more than once. I just keep coming back to it.  It's because, for me, although the answer might not bring me any closer to understanding NPD, I would rather think of my mother as being sick than being evil. I cannot bear to think of her as evil, although that conclusion does appear to be as legitimate and plausible as the 'sickness' explanation. (See The Narcissist: an emotionless facsimile.)

At least a snake never thinks to pretend to be anything else

Quite.

Of course it is possible to LOVE a narcissist - or at least to love the person they have convinced you they are - the persona, or the person you have romanticised in your mind (through their various manipulations). But a narcissist's 'love' for another person comes with so many conditions and caveats, it can scarcely be thought of as real and proper love at all. (See my blog post: Is a narcissist capable of love?)

Embarking on a romantic/sexual relationship with a narcissist is, of course, quite different to being raised by a narcissistic parent - but the head-fuckery of it all is pretty much the same. They murder souls; they drain the life-force out of their victims, bit by bit. Some people remain married to (and all the while passionately in love with) a narcissist for many years, sometimes even decades. Some narcissists are more skilled, calculating and conniving than others. The stealthiest covert narcissists can dupe hundreds of people over their lifetime (or in the extreme cases of megalomaniacs like Hitler and Trump, millions). While some bide their time, others reveal their true colours within just days or weeks of meeting their target/s. But some of them can act human, even super-human ('too good to be true', 'a perfect soulmate'), for inordinate stretches of time. The illusion, the mirage, is so powerful that it can inveigle and entrap anyone. And it is important to remember this: many narcissists fool themselves at least as much as they fool everyone else. "The most dangerous liars are those who think they are telling the truth."

I made my 'No Contact' decision when I had realised and accepted all of the following fundamental truths, in order:
1. I love my mother, and nothing will ever change that. BUT...
2. She doesn't love me, and will never love me in the way I need(ed) her to love me.
3. She will never acknowledge or apologise for the pain and suffering she has caused me, my sisters and my dad.
4. She will always find a way to blame me (and/or others) for everything.
5. She has at least one serious personality disorder and at least one co-morbid mental illness, which will never be officially diagnosed because she is both 'high-functioning' and a seasoned deceiver (not just a deceiver of other people but above all of herself). Thus, a close and meaningful relationship with her is rendered utterly impossible.
6. She will not change. There is no cure. There is no hope.
7. Her hatred and contempt for me is a reflection of her, not of me.
8. Therefore: Leaving her alone is the kindest thing I can do for her, and for me.

Resources and further reading:

1. Traits of healthy relationships, and what is a 'high conflict' relationship? http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Can-borderlines-and-narcissists-have-healthy-relationships-31

2. The Happy Sensitive: Narcissistic Love Versus Unconditional Love
http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/
This extract in particular is devastatingly true: Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.

Projection: whatever you say I am, that's what you are

Trying to make a narcissist see the error of their ways is an intensely infuriating, pointless and ultimately ineffably self-defeating exercise. Every caring suggestion, accurate observation, justified accusation or constructive criticism either bounces straight off them or is met with seething, formidable anger and defiance. Typically, a narcissist will also do one of two things: project (blame-shift) or deflect (avoid the issue/change the subject).

Example: I confronted my mother (just once, in my twenties) about the fact she used to hit my sister and me. She did this frequently, and sometimes severe enough to make marks on our skin. Firstly, she minimised the physical violence ("it was just discipline; lots of parents smack their children; my mother smacked me, too"), then the blame was projected ("you were such difficult children; I was under so much stress after your father left... I was on my own, living with two rebellious teenage girls!")
Note: we were not difficult. We were not rebellious. And as I have said before, even if we had been, would that justify how she treated us? Even she knows the answer to that.

Narcissistic rage is a common reaction if the narcissist feels threatened, cornered or attacked - or even just simply irritated to the point of lashing out. (I was extremely good at irritating her. Usually I didn't even have to do or say anything to irritate her - my existence alone was enough to provoke her.) My mother's worst rages only ever took place behind closed doors, so whenever I have described her to others as violent, terrifying and volatile, her 'friends' assume that I am the one with a screw loose. To them, she's a diminutive, kind, spiritual old lady who goes out of her way to spread 'love, light and healing' to the deserving people of the world. (This is her 'brand', and yes, as you might imagine, it sickens me to my very core. And no, I am not, and have never been, one of those 'deserving people'. She has instead vomited out all her 'hatred, darkness and suffering' onto me and my sisters, so most of my enduring memories are thus of a person who is the exact polar opposite of the one my mother pretends to be.)

So, this leaves me, and every other narcissistic abuse victim, with a bit of a dilemma. When the person abusing us is going great guns with a smear campaign (trying - and all too often succeeding - to convince everyone that we, the victims, are actually the bad guys), how do we rise above that? How can I prove that I am not the narcissist, that I am not the toxic one, the psycho, the abuser? How can I prove that I am telling the truth?

The simple answer is: I can't. And merely by reacting with (natural) outrage and hurt to my mother's innumerable cruelties and lies - the wholly understandable act of attempting to defend myself - I risk showing myself up as unstable, unreasonable, maladjusted, crazy. I show myself up as everything she claims I am. Therefore, I have made the decision to not defend myself. Why should I bother? There's no point. I know my mother's game. I know the things she does, and I know the things she says, and the insincere, pseudo-maternal way in which she says them. I know the credulous people who uphold her heinous lies as gospel truth.

These people admire her. These people admire someone who I KNOW is a liar, a hypocrite and a child abuser.

So, I know that none of them really know her; certainly none of them has a clue what deliberate, sadistic psychological torture she has inflicted on her daughters while unashamedly parading herself as some kind of model mother.

And I now know what motivates her, and even more importantly, I know what terrifies her. This means I finally have the power, I am no longer the weak, eager-to-please, viciously exploited, downtrodden daughter, and this is why I know, with absolute certainty, that I will never hear from her again. She has no hold over me any more. None. She does not want what she can no longer control. She has no use for me any more. Sadly, I was only ever a 'thing' to her, a thing to be used and abused. Never a person, a human being, someone to relate to and connect with, much less a daughter to be loved and cherished. Perhaps that is the most tragic aspect of the NPD mother: the impossibility of perceiving your child as a human being... an awesome, loveable, unique human being.

What an incalculably massive loss for her. For both of us.