So, if the essence of narcissism is pathological selfishness, why on earth would a narcissist CHOOSE to have a child? After all, having a child means that your wants and needs MUST take a back seat. It means you CANNOT be selfish any more. EVER AGAIN, in fact. It means prioritizing your child above EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else.
Yes, OF COURSE that's what it means if you're a normal, sane human being.
If you're a narcissist, however, it means you get a readily available, pliant source of reliable supply - an impressionable little person who will do ANYTHING FOR YOUR LOVE! (The pathetic brat will even settle for just the crumbs of your attention and approval.) Bringing a child into this world means having to deal with nappies and mess and noise and upheaval and career sabotage and the grating annoyances of their incessant, high-pitched demands, but all that shitty sufferance is worth it for the Ultimate Prize that parenthood bestows on the narcissist: a 'mini-me' they can mould, dominate and intimidate, and/or a domestic slave and emotional (often literal) punching-bag. If you're a narcissist, being a parent doesn't mean giving your precious babies all the limitless, unconditional love they NEED, no way, fuck that, it means wielding ultimate power and control over them, which is done by WITHHOLDING that crucial, yearned-for unconditional love. This can be effectively achieved in any number of cruel, neglectful and manipulative ways.
My mother, like all narcissistic mothers, was a pass master at just about every single one of those methods. On a daily basis, I was gaslighted or ignored, usually both. She did not once tell me that she loved me, not ONCE, and that in itself wouldn't have been so bad if she had showed me that she loved me. But every word, every action (and inaction) told me the opposite: she most definitely did NOT love me. The reason? It wasn't a problem with her, no of course it wasn't, it was a problem with me. Every day, that belief was reinforced in some subtle (or sometimes decidedly unsubtle) way. My unlovability became an integral part of my identity, of Who I Was. Thus my mother's precarious and perverted Power over me was established, with its non-negotiable underlying message: I'm right and you're wrong. I gave birth to you, therefore do not defy me, DEIFY ME!
Because if a child feels unattractive, unwanted, defective, unloved and unlovable, they are much, MUCH easier to control, and to maintain control over. If a girl cannot get recognition or validation from HER OWN MOTHER, who the hell else will give her any? From the age of nine, I was brainwashed. By the time I left home, 10 years later, I had been effectively part-lobotomised by the manipulative machinations of my malignant narcissist mother. She had taught me nothing about self-care, personal safety, self-respect, social skills, relationships and Real Life. She'd filled my heart, head and soul with poison, misdirection and lies. What she HAD taught me was this: I'm irrelevant. I shouldn't really be here. Nobody will want me. I'm not really very bright or capable. My looks are so-so, nothing special. At best, I'm mediocre. My thoughts, opinions and feelings are inconsequential. Nobody's interested so it's best if I just shut up. I will never amount to anything. Even if a miracle happens and I achieve something amazing, my own mother will show little to no interest. Why should she be expected to? It's not like I'm important, or that I ever will be.
Emotionally, I was barely pubescent and in fact I haven't actually felt like an 'Adult Proper' - whatever the hell that means - until very recently (late thirties!). When I first left home, with great zest and alacrity but natural trepidation, I had no clue, not a fucking clue, what to do out there in the big, wide world. Like most teenagers desperate to flee the family home (or in my case, matriarchal torture chamber), I just had to wing it and work it out for myself as I went along. All I knew for sure is that I wanted to be NOTHING LIKE MY MOTHER.
As Alex Myles' article in the Elephant Journal so eloquently states, "A narcissist needs an energy feed, and if they have a child who is sensitive, it is highly likely that child will become the one who suffers the most. The narcissist will draw energy from the drama and the suffering they cause, and the easier a person is to hurt, the more likely a narcissist is to keep the dynamic going. The dance between the narcissist and child only ends when the child removes their emotional reactions completely and refuses to continue being the victim of their abuser. This is extremely difficult for the child, because of all the people we are connected to, the most difficult one to break free from is a parent..."
Further reading:
Narcissistic Parents' Psychological Effect on Their Children: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-psychological-effect-their-children
Elephant Journal: When the Narcissist is the Parent
"You see, a narcissist does not have children because they want to love and nurture little humans so they can grow into healthy individuals and be successful on their terms. Rather, a narcissist has children because they need reassurance in their own self, they need to feed their ego, and because they want someone to unquestionably do their bidding..."
http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/05/21/help-my-mommy-is-a-psychopath/
"Their desire to have children never comes from a place of love or affection. Love doesn’t hurt or compete; love nurtures for the positive good and fosters empathy both for self and others."
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